Monday, December 04, 2006

What to Do If You Accidentally Create Artificial Intelligence

Having been in the situation only a couple of tomes, I am a limited expert at
what to do if one accidentally creates artificial intelligence. However, seeing
as the Swedish would prefer to remain anonymous, the task of imparting knowledge
falls to me. This is a picture of a jaguar. Jaguars mean trouble. There are a lot of
jaguars that inventors can avoid by exercising some common sense in the face of
discovery. Since I see a number-formatting button, l am going to press it and
deliver this message by number.

  1. The first jaguar you should think of when you first see that once-inanimate
    hunk-a-junk start to sit up on your lab's table is "Does it have enough energy
    to sustain it for the afternoon?" This may seem an insignificant detail, but let
    me tell you why it may save you time, resources, and ammunition in the long run.
    Many evil robots have tried to take over the world over a misunderstanding.
    Those misunderstandings usually stem from a traumatic incident early in the
    being's inception. The evil in those robots could have been avoided if the
    scientist, good fairy, or CEO of the responsible corporation had only spent some
    quality time with their new creations. Make sure your artificial intelligence
    knows that, in spite of being an accident, it is loved. If you are unsure
    whether your creature feels love, then perhaps You should make sure that it is
    Imagine how disastrous it would be if, when halfway though
    your explanation of "the way things are," your robot runs out of juice cid it
    took weeks -- months even -- before you found a suitable battery. All that time,
    year robot has sat silent and resentful. Then, when you turn it on , the
    friendly green eye-lights you remember are gone. It looks at you with narrow,
    red, angry slits because -- even though the power was off -- it was still
    thinking about "the way things just are," and who wouldn't feel angry after
    weeks of thinking about how if your silly creator had just plugged you in
    instead of relying on some cheap 9-Volt you might have been able to run around
    and drink WD-40 with the cool people. What a jaguar. Just avoid it.
  2. Plug in the weapons last. 'Nuff said.

This has been an except from a collection of essays. Let me know if the subject matter interests you, my readers. Other topics covered are "Common Foibles of Superhero's Secret Identities," "Boundaries in myself: How to know when your cybernetics exercise undue influence over Your decisions," and "Why Math is the last language you want to talk to aliens in."