Friday, August 08, 2008

Slowing down...

At least slowing down the blog posts.

I just thought I'd post this to say that I won't be posting very often anymore.

I'm always struggling with the balance of time-waster/escapist type things and real life. I like reading and watching movies and being on facebook and blogs... but.. why do we never read stories or watch movies about people who are reading or watching movies? What is really important? Spending time right here is important.. with the people around me. I thought that this was a way to connect with my friends, and it is to a certain extent, but as moving is being discussed more and more between Youssef and myself I got to thinking how I'd miss things here and my friends here. Then I realized that I really don't spend much time with people often in real life. How would it be different when we move? Sadly.. it won't be much different at all. I say sadly because I really don't spend much non-computer time with people here. I blog pictures of my children, but how often do I just sit and play with them for an hour? An hour isn't very long, yet I give them tiny little moments in my day (and take pictures of that) then spend way too much time blogging or facebooking rather than just enjoying this short time of baby/toddlerhood that I have. I always want to escape where I am and go to the next thing or back to a previous moment, but can't seem to enjoy the right now times. I always see the goals or the things I "should" have done. When Renna was first born I enjoyed each moment for the next month, just holding my baby... my senses were more heightened no doubt, but.. there must be some way to keep that going.

Speaking of playing with my kids... Lily just brought me her little foam sewing animals (where you "sew" them with a shoelace thingy) and for the first time she actually used up all the string. She's also been into wearing dresses or her night gown all day long and has gotten pretty good and pulling it up and tucking it under her chin to use the toilet and pull her underpants up and down to do so. It sounds like a small thing, but it's just another independent step for her as she figures things out. Renna is getting better at balancing when she sits up and rolls over all the time and scoots just a little bit. Not long distances, but definitely around in circles.

I'm in the process of printing out ALL the pictures that I need to scrapbook. It's pretty overwhelming in some ways, and I keep staying up too late which is not a good thing for my patience as it runs shorter the more tired I am. Not good.

So many of us are so far bellow our potential. I don't mean guilt tripping ourselves into doing things, but just in living.. in doing what we love and what we like to see done. Relaxing is important too, but my problem is that I do too much in a way too intensely and then am so tired that I don't do the small stuff that turn into bigger things and try to escape them because I'm so worn out from the intense overdoing part, but then everything escalates to the point where I'm so behind on housework/laundry/projects/whatever that I overload again.... Lily wants to play outside and I put a video on for her because I need to clean up the kitchen from it getting so bad.

And.. I got on this to say that I wasn't going to blog as often as I have been (though I'd already started slowing down, but I was just putting pictures up on facebook so it was just as much or more if you include that.) .. and here I am.. talking more.. escaping life.. wishing for a "break" someone else to answer the "help me" whine from Lily to hold her baby doll or untangle her "sewing" stuff. A nap would have been the best thing for me today, but Lily didn't want to take a nap today... *sigh* Do I really need a break? Maybe just more energy? Regardless I'm explaining what my failings are and actually failing as I explain it.. so.. yes.. I'm getting off the computer now.. I think I need to vacuum.


Heather said...

Thanks for sharing, I am sorry that I won't be seeing as many updates, but totally understand where you are coming from. It is hard to balance the chores of home, raising children, caring for hubby, fellowship with friends, hobbies, etc. We all struggle with this. I think it is wise to remember that ANYTHING in "excess" is the root problem. It isn't that it is bad to blog or go on facebook or whatever, but if that is ALL you do, or if many other things continue to be neglected day after day because you do them, then yes, I agree that cutting back or eliminating them is the answer. Only each one of us can answer that question of "am I doing this too much?"

I get caught up in computer-y things too as an escape and quite frankly I am not too worried about it 'cause without some form of escape around here I think I would lose it most days. Women throughout the centuries have found ways to "escape" the day to day and perhaps this computer stuff is the current mode.

However, I do agree that time is precious and that we have to be careful not to waste it away on things that do not last. The only problem with that statement is...who can truly use every moment to its fullest at all times? Didn't God even model for us that we need respite in our lives? But again, that respite isn't constant, but for a designated time per week perhaps. With the natural limitations of our current bodies, we really can't do it all, even if we think we should. I just want you to be encouraged that just by the shear fact that you are recognizing an imbalance and are trying to correct it, that you are practicing what God has called you to do. However, you can give yourself a break from time to time too, OK?

Love you!

Lynne' said...

Hmm.. I'm still not sure if "escape" is really a good thing. Rest definitely is and very Biblical, but I don't know if escaping from life is. Anyone could get on the computer or watch a movie or do whatever to rest.. I think the main difference I was thinking of was the attitude behind it. It's not how much time I spend doing something or being productive it's the spirit behind it that I was trying to explain. After I wrote the post I thought about all the different things we can use to escape life. Being productive is a way to escape as well! I think what I realized too was that those things that I see myself trying to escape from are things that I really do want to do! Not to be productive or use my time wisely, but to enjoy where I am. I want to clean my kitchen. I don't really "like" doing the work really... but it's nice to have it clean.. it's nice to be cleaning my own kitchen. I remembered when I was young and wishing to be married and manage my own domain. So... maybe there won't actually be a huge slow down on the blog as I feel like it will be. I'd like to focus on doing those things that I need to do not by making them a task or anything. I'm actually wanting to give myself a break. That's sort of the whole point of enjoying the "now" as I was trying to explain in the blog.

Somewhere along the line of my growing up I was told (in one way or another) that I needed to make lists and plan or that I shouldn't do a huge project and finish it all in one day.. like it was more productive and some how better if I did many things in one day. I guess I'm just realizing that I can enjoy really everything that I'm supposed to do as a homemaker and mother and artist. Even those things that are mundane or even unproductive.

Do you ever "feel" like cleaning up? Or just really want to dust? Or.. alter that top that you've been wanting to wear.. or try out a new recipe? Or.. practice the piano? Or.. just learn something new? Dance? I feel like that so often. Just something will hit me. Usually if something needs to be cleaned and it's bothering me I'll want to clean it. Actually, I'm unhappy in a way until I do that, but something happened that messed that up.. it said, "make a list" follow the list, plan, etc. Not that there's anything wrong with a list, but I think I'm learning to change my way of looking at stuff.

In school I never wanted to just get the work done. It frustrated me to no end and actually I didn't finish with the school that I was enrolled in because of that. I wanted to LEARN! I wanted to know what in the world they wanted in that stupid book report! I want to do things well and be a good homemaker not because of some law or because I'm being hard on myself.. I want to be that because of the moment. My children will never be this age again. My husband and I will never be in this exact place in our lives again. It's so special and so wonderful and I don't want to beat myself up over what I should or shouldn't do. It's not about balance and not doing too much of one thing for me. That's the problem. "Balance" for me at least, is the thing that spells depression in my life. I'm definitely not balanced at all. I'm terribly passionate about everything that I do. I just am now realizing that it's ok to be like this. What's wrong with playing the piano when I feel like it? Why not spontaneously take the girls to the park when I "should" be doing something else? Why do I need to write down and plan when I should clean the bathroom when I could just do it now and be happy about it?

Anyway, I'm writing a bit too much, but I'm mainly trying to drill it into my head. I'll post when I feel like it, but I don't want to use this as an escape from real life. Oh, and the vacuum reference at the end of the post was because I'd said some other time about needing the silence of the vacuum.

It really is amazing to me how quiet the girls are when I vacuum. I can leave it running while I straighten and then clean each section (rather than doing all the straightening first) I felt better after vacuuming. I needed that silence. I should have said that I really wanted to vacuum. My house didn't really need it... *I* needed to vacuum for myself. For the quiet, to gather my thoughts.

I also realized something even more profound today, but I won't go into it on here.

Hmm.. I think I need a bubble bath at some point too, oh.. and to paint my toes again. ;)

yeah.. it doesn't come across on this because it's not the doing that I'm talking about so much as the spirit. Painting my toes or the bubble bath could be an escape, and when that is my motive I never enjoy it. When it's to rest then it's a totally different feeling. Does that make any sense to anyone but me?