End of the first week of our Right (brain) school

A fun part of this week has been the new TAG reader book and Leapster Game that I got for the girls -"Brave" on Monday.  The former is pictured with Grace SO thrilled about getting to touch everything and hearing something!  Lily has used it too and I'm seeing her develop a better relationship with words and reading just in this one week alone.  "Brave" the leapster game is about science and nature and it was pretty fun to hear Renna explain how a lady bug larva turns into a lady bug and how excited she was about that!   (Note:  She explained it all to the guy at the nature exchange at the zoo who was teaching her about the bean pod that we brought in to him to exchange.)

So, how has it looked this week?  Compared to the rather intense list of do's and checking off boxes of things to do each day as it has been before, this week has felt .. well.. pretty amazing!  This week has been unwinding from what we have been doing as well as starting some new habits of what to slowly add in the more right-brain dominant way.  I'm actually much more comfortable with winging it each day for the most part, and of seizing those teachable moments.  In general we'll have a time of reading together at least once in the day, but this can be in the morning or just fun stories at night.  Teachable opportunities are so much easier for me to run with because they inspire me when I see where my kids are already wanting to learn!

My oldest has started to enjoy going outside to play rather than escape the house and school like she had been doing the last few weeks. 

Speaking of spontaneous learning-- One morning we were outside for a bit after breakfast to play and the girls found a couple lady-bugs and one flew off but the other one we put on our basil plant that really did need some help.  This led to my reading them the "Grouchy ladybug" by Eric Carl while we watched the ladybug enjoy the bugs on my basil plant (which Lily reminded us was actually a lady BEETLE because the guy at the nature exchange at the zoo said it was really a beetle and not a bug technically.  I was impressed that she remembered!)  Reading that book led to talking about time and size and imagination.  Renna (the five year old middle child) has such a great imagination and said that the one that flew away (that we'd found) must have been the grouchy ladybug and we get to keep the nice friendly one.

On Tuesday we met some friends at the Dallas zoo and Lily and Renna had so much fun spinning in the nest with one of their best friends, Josie and exploring the zoo and all their little spots together.  It was fun to see Lily and Renna so happy.  Times with friends is never long enough.

Get ready to spin!

I gave Lily my old camera as I think I mentioned in my last post, but guess who thought the camera was the best thing ever since chocolate milk with straws?  Yep, my little 2 year old!  She sat in her stroller and took picture after picture.  Delighted the whole time.  Later Lily and I laughed at how many pictures of her own feet and the back of the front seat in the double stroller there were that Gracie took, BUT she actually took a few good ones!

 I can see Grace with her shyness being someone who naturally would gravitate to being behind a camera instead of in front of it.

I've been pleasantly surprised this week at not only how much more happy my oldest has been and seeing her play more and being droopy less, but my middle child and even my 2 year old have been just blossoming!  In just one week!  I want this trend to continue.  I'm less stressed and all three girls are growing and learning on their own initiative and using their imaginations and creativity.  It's lovely to see.

My little kitchen helper making Kale chips with me.  These never last long in our house.  :)  Because of our gluten intolerance and because I just naturally want to eat healthy real foods I talk to the girls about what things are good or not good to eat.  This is such a great life lesson really because I could see all of my girls decide on their own when they'd had enough cupcakes for breakfast yesterday morning. 

Something that I changed in our house this week was putting the box of lego in our living room instead of in their bed room.  I played with them the first day building a car and sorting some of the colors and people parts.  Ever since then they've spent so much time building and imagining together!  It's been so great to see after these last weeks of wilting.

As I've observed Renna this last week I'm not sure that she actually is a left brain learner like I'd thought.  She is so imaginative and it's coming out more and more.  She made up this whole little soap opera with these lego figures.  It was such a great conversation too with her when she talked about them and what they were doing.  I'd talked to my girls at one point about abortion because it is such a big deal in our culture now and we were learning about creation and how we are all made in God's image.  Well, these two she said were bad guys (they had scary faces) but they didn't want to get married, they just loved each other she said, but since they didn't want to get married they killed their baby.  It's pretty amazing how much a 5 year old can pick up from our culture when we don't have regular tv (only Netflix shows) and they are homeschooled and always with me.  But what was great though is how I was able to talk with her about how that was wrong (not in a condemning way, but just so she'd understand by saying how sad that was) and later she changed the guys face so that he was "good."  And she explained how he'd chased the girl and hurt her and so the baby had died, but now he was good.  How do you know?  I asked, and we were able to talk about Jesus and how the bad guy was made new in Christ.  At least 3 times this week I've been able to talk about the gospel with Renna... from when she did something wrong to little things like this.  This is my favorite reason of why I homeschool my kids.  When one of them acts out (usually Renna) and sins (like lying) I can gently tell her that Jesus died for that sin and that He loves her so much even though He knew that she would sin, but that He loves us so much that he doesn't want us to have the yucky sin in our hearts and He wants to make us new.  I'm privileged to see my little one who was acting defiant and hard hearted melt into repentance and hug me knowing that she is unconditionally loved.  It's the biggest deal of all and I don't miss those precious opportunities with them near me so much. 

 As I said, Lily had been (in a sense) trying to escape the house and life for the last month or so.  She kept just acting droopy and not knowing what to do with herself and would ask to go outside to scooter around a bit.  ... Like she was searching for something but she didn't know what. As if she wasn't fully living.  This week I haven't seen much of that.  I haven't tried to control any tv time as I had before.  As in, by telling them to turn it off.  Rather, when she wanted to watch the new Smurfs movie from the library (which is pretty stupid, but whatever) instead of telling her not to watch it I encouraged her to make some clay smurfs at the same time.  Which she did!  After that I haven't seen her watching tv too much.  Definitely not like before where it was just that vegging and hardly any activity or creativity.  The lego is a great diversion from vegging and this week as a family we started doing more Wii sports games together that she's continued on her own with her sister.  Here in the picture they are playing Tennis I think.  They boxed in the Wii sports too and boy does that work out your arms!  This is so great because I have more time to focus on the littlest one that really does need more direction.  I even finally got to the small mountain of clothes that I needed to alter (I was getting tired of my sewing machine and the pile cluttering the living room) and I'm hoping some of my own creative projects will start getting more attention too, what with the older girls becoming more independent in their learning and projects.

Grace always asks to do "school" and her school is cutting things with scissors, writing tiny circles on her white board, and scooping beans or rice or tapioca pearls from one bowl to the next.  My house has felt messier this week, but everyone seems so much happier.  :)

We went to the library today and I found a bunch of great graphic novels for them.  My littlest was excited about the TinkerBell ones and the other two each found an interesting one that they actually kept looking at in line!  Note: normally they'd be bugging each other and trying to wrestle while we checked out the books, and today they were wanting to look at them on their own!  (And yes they are wearing their swimsuits... they wanted to increase their chances of swimming tonight after dinner...)

We stopped at a grocery store and they were still wanting to look at their books.

And STILL after checking out Lily is into the book (Note: She sounded out one of the words outloud and I also heard her talking about what she thought was going on in the pictures.)  Renna got distracted from her book because someone mentioned the chocolate that I bought.

And still on the way home she looked at her library b

ook

.

 So about Dominant Right-brain learners-- these people will want to know WHY.   Why do I need to learn to read?  Why do I need this math skill?  For them, instead of starting with facts and learning rules and classic rote skills they need context to motivate them to learn.  The idea of cooking a cake for instance would be a great motivation for realizing the need for math skills.  In Lily's case, seeing these interesting pictures is a great motivation for wanting to practice reading so that she knows what the story behind the pictures is talking about.

Lily asked, "Why are you taking our picture again?"

After swimming and quick showers tonight I read the girls 6 or so stories and even though they seemed tired they actually ASKED to look at books before going to sleep on their own!  I'm so excited about this new approach and way of doing our life.  It's exactly what I needed and I just got "The Right Side of Normal" in the mail tonight so I can read the whole book!  I also got a book about mentoring the self directed learner which had some great reviews and is really what I truly want to be for my kids.  I want to inspire them and learn with them!

And the helper helping to mix our gluten free bread.
She has some amazing circular moving muscle skills for her age.

For many of us, the classical style of learning and teaching we've heard so often about is said to be the "best."  Anything less, we've been reminded in one way or another, is insufficient or only for the weaker minded, but check out this quote from "The right side of normal" website--

A well-known education philosophy called classical education, popularized in the homeschooling circles by the book, The Well-Trained Mind, by Susan Wise Bauer and Jessie Wise, advocates and follows this model of learning. About the elementary ages, Susan Wise Bauer states, “In the elementary school years…the mind is ready to absorb information. Children at this age actually find memorization fun. So during this period, education involves not self-expression and self-discovery, but rather the learning of facts.” She goes on to say about the middle school years, “Middle-school students are less interested in finding out facts than in asking ‘Why?’” And her overall assessment of the focus of this educational model: “Classical education is language-focused; learning is accomplished through words, written and spoken, rather than through images (pictures, videos, and television).”

Now perhaps you can understand why when this left-brain-dominant learning style is held up to be so "perfect" and when your child doesn't measure up to that left-brain yard-stick you can feel like a failure as a homeschooling parent.  Or just constantly be at your wits end as to how to change things.  You worry that there is something wrong with your child when in reality it's not your child that needs to change but the system and your own way of doing school and teaching.  While the classical method might be amazing for the naturally left-brain dominant learners, it's not the only right way to learn and to teach.


I loved the last paragraph of this particular article about the left-brain measuring stick.  She says--

Is there really only one right way to learn the various subjects? Why are we more concerned that our child know what a noun is first (learning by memorization) versus learning the names of countries and continents based on a child’s interest in various animals (learning by association)? Is it more important to know that 2+2=4 (facts) or that it actually isn’t always true (2 horses + 2 tractors does NOT equal 4 animals) (concepts)? And how many of your children could navigate the computer (picture-based) even before learning to read (word-based)? Mine did! Using the left-brained measuring stick to determine the path for learning for all children is narrow-minded, inaccurate, and even damaging. There are brilliant right-brained children waiting to thrive in a well-matched right-brained learning environment that requires its own measuring stick. There is a right side of normal!

Final observation about this past week.  My girls have demonstrated more knowledge and interest in learning in just this one week in this freer style then they ever did in the days was I was the most consistent about following our packaged lesson plan of checking boxes.  But now that I know what they need (and what I need) and I'm purposefully looking for those right-brain-dominant areas and interests and resources, it's all beginning to fall into place and I don't feel like I'm floundering with hitting and missing without realizing why something works and something else doesn't.

I hope some other mom's out there are being encouraged now as well!  Even if you don't homeschool you can use these ideas to encourage your child.  For instance, instead of the knee jerk reaction to not allow comic books (because they are thought to be of less quality reading then chapter books) go ahead and get them some good ones and see them get excited! 

The Revelation-- Right vs. Left brain dominant learners

This is the picture that I showed Lily (my right-brain dominant learner) when I explained how we were going to change her school.  When I described to her what school would look like from now on she got excited and said, "I love my school!"  This is so great because we've been plodding along for too long and I've been struggling with knowing what to do and how to teach her.  I don't want to force her through it all... I want her to be inspired to learn.  Is each day a bed of roses?  No, but everyday shouldn't be stressful and unhappy and tearful either.  I'm also realizing how I want to teach as a naturally right-brain dominant person!  It's all looking up.  :]

Last week I had a revelation of how to best teach my children at home.  I was doing my usual facebooking and opening up tabs and links from homeschooling communities and  blogs that I've "liked" and I don't know who first posted it, but I ran across this blog -- The Right Side of Normal

And everything she said about how right-brain dominate learners fit my 7 year old to a T.

Here's a quote from her website.
        In this same vein, right-brained dominant people are attracted to certain skills and subjects based on the two universal gifts of their brain processing preference: picture-based thinking and an extraordinary imagination. Think of the subjects or skills that would center on these traits. History and cultures use imagination to best understand these subjects. Same with mythology and science (which includes dinosaurs). All of these can be pictorially visualized as well, including nature, animals, and geography.  The creative outlets (art/drawing, theater/showmanship, cooking/gardening, dance/music, fashion/sewing, puzzles/mazes, math/numbers (concepts/spatial), building/electronics, video games/computers) utilize both of the right-brained universal gifts, also.

So my first born who has always been so visually oriented, amazing at puzzles and problem solving, she couldn't communicate as well as she could understand at a young age.  At 2 I could give her detailed instructions to follow and she could do it!  When I read to her she wants to take in all the pictures and understand what something looks like.  She falls in love with a book after seeing the film or cartoon version.  She could read and sound out words this year, but it was just so clearly something that she had to work so hard at, yet I can give her pattern block pieces and ask her to make a mirror image of what she just created and she can do it!  She's interested in photography and building things and crafting and art.  She plays with clay for an hour at least straight and makes rainbow haired mermaids and ponies (She literally will separate the colors to make this happen if they've gotten mixed a bit!)  I love all this about her!  I want to encourage that, but how do I do it and how do I still homeschool?  I'm torn because I don't want to just let her do anything all day.  She's 7.. she needs some direction, but I'm realizing that I need to refocus where I direct her and how much I'm involved in it.  I'm available, but not sitting over her shoulder.  For a lot of this I just have to think back to how I felt as a kid and what I would have liked.  I remember playing with a marble building run a bunch and having to figure out how to adjust each area to make the marbles go down just right. This is something she would work at for hours.

Her new school is pretty different than it was.  I'm no longer making her read outloud every day or doing spelling words each week.

Lily was watching "Monster's Inc" and created this Mike Wazouski character all by herself out of pipe cleaners.

Last week after reading about the Right-brain dominant learners and finding out how bad it is to start them with reading and spelling together and before they are old enough (you know when people say that they hated reading before they were a certain age and then it suddenly "clicked"?  Yeah, that's because they were physically old enough to get it.  Their brain was at the age to start bridging the gap between hemispheres.)  I decided that I could combine Lily's love of art and drawing and natural right-brain dominant ability to gather pictures and needing a visual association to a word/concept.  I wrote out her spelling words on little sheets of paper and told her what they were and asked her to color them in any way she'd like to remind her of what that word is.  For "Click" she excitedly tapped all over the letters because it made a clicking sound as she did so.  Next step is to do a fun word search for her "word arts" in books that she likes to look at.

Lily's school is the most drastically changed of the two of my girls.  Besides doing her "word arts" we got a note-book today with files of the alphabet so that she can have a place for her words and pictures.

The notebook is covered in cats because when I asked her what she wanted to learn about in school she said "All things cats!"  She looooves big cats and little cats, so besides these things to help her store and gather information I've ordered a bunch of books through Amazon all about cats.  The Natural geographic kids and many others.  Also some puzzles and games that are cat themed as well which she is super excited about

I wrote out the words that match the pictures we've been going through together (I turned MFW kindergarten alphabet learning into a unit study type thing.

And you can see them up on the wall.  Lily especially loves to look at the pictures and remind herself what the letter sounds are.

Here is a book we already had about cheetahs.  Next step is to just have her flip through it and count how many times she can find the word "Cheetah" like her word art card.  I'll read the book to her as well of course.

Last year my husband was given a free camera that was worth at least twice as much as the old one I had, but the old one isn't junk either!  So, now that Lily is old enough, I gave her my camera with instructions on how to take care of it.  She enjoyed going all over the house taking pictures and most of them were quite good!  I bet she'd like to learn how to do some trick photography as well just for fun:  positioning things to look bigger or smaller and so on.  :}

And now for the left-brain dominant learner which I think describes my 5 year old a bit more closely.
     Left-brained dominant people are attracted to certain skills and subjects based on the two universal gift of their brain processing preference: word-based thinking and sequential processes. Reading, spelling, and writing are all word-based subjects. Each of these are also highly sequential in nature, including arithmetic. It makes sense that each of these types of learners will gravitate to the skills and subjects that enhance their natural strengths and skills.

 This chart was taken from "The Right Side of Normal" blog Post


 While my 7 year old Right-brain dominant girl delights me with her right brain strengths my 5 year old left-brain dominant girl delights me with her enthusiasm for words!  She speaks better than her older sister over all and loves to use big words.  She might not know what they mean, but she will still use them!  While my oldest can more easily create what she is picturing than describing it, my middle one will describe the people she's around within their hearing a bit too thoroughly sometimes.

When I told Renna that we were going to change her school a little bit to do more of what she wanted to do she said, "You mean I get to read my new book???!!!"  Yes, you can read as many books as you want!

See, I'd been trying to slow her down a bit (as in, not letting her go as fast through stuff as she wanted to) because I was afraid that I'd burned Lily out from doing too much too early.  As it turns out it wasn't too early, it was just what subject was too early.  Renna is left-learner dominant so she finds it easy to sound out and spell a word and did so more quickly than her older sister when I'd been working with the older one much longer and the little one had only been just overhearing what we talked about.  They are both talented of course and saying that one thing is easier now for one of them than the other doesn't mean the other one CAN'T or won't be able to be as good or better at whatever that subject or interest is when they are older, BUT the point is to understand the progression of how they learn.  Note the chart above again.

Renna will get some special new school things as well.  I got her some scratch and sniff pencils today for her school since she likes to do her handwriting and spelling.  After learning about the brain thing I tried to pay attention to what each girl was looking at when I was reading them a story.  When I pointed at the words that I was reading, Renna's eyes would follow along, but Lily's would not (she was too busy looking at the pictures.)

I'm really thrilled about this new discovery and can't wait to read more about the left and right brain dominant learners!  We've only been homeschooling for 3 years now, but that whole time I just felt off balance, like I knew that something didn't quite jive but I didn't know how to identify what needed to change.  My whole parenting and teaching philosophy has been to respect my children and their individuality.  Even when they are babies I don't want to brush off shyness for example or fear as "not a big deal" and leave them to cry with someone they don't know.  I know that some people do have to do this and yes I know that children adapt.  I'm not putting down other parents decisions, just trying to describe how I see things.  No matter what life style choices we make or have to make can't we continually work at making it fit our children's needs better?  If we can grow to understand how a child learns than we can more easily understand what they need and who they are and how we can encourage them whether we homeschool or not, we as parents or teachers, can encourage those things that they are naturally great at and keep them from being labeled at a young age.

If your child doesn't fit the system perhaps there isn't anything wrong with your child.. perhaps the system is the thing that isn't the right fit.

My 7 year old sitting my the 2 year old.  I can't tell yet what my littlest will need in the right or left-brain dominant areas.  Right now she loves to be read to and is pretty amazing verbally for her age, but she will sit for long periods of time playing with clay and using scissors to cut stuff up.  Right now she's experiencing it all and we'll just wait and see what she wants to dive into.  I've been surprised recently how well she will sit through longer picture books and point at things and ask, "What dat?"

Being a mom is hard enough what with trying to teach the kids to clean up after themselves or the other household chores and "life skills" necessary for them to learn to grow up into responsible adults, but adding a homeschooling plan that is draining and difficult is just not worth it.  I not only learned what my children need from me I realized how I actually want to teach them and how I can use my own strengths.  Instead of getting bored following a lesson plan, I like to play it by ear.  Read a lot to them and just notice everything we come into contact with.  The snail in the grass, the lizard on the rocks, the butterflies in the air, the clouds in the sky, seeing their excitement as they show me something they've discovered.  That's what I love.  I want to focus more on those things and delighting in this time right now.

The big "little" move

I need to write myself some “tips” for next time because I'm sure I'll forget what I've learned in this move.

• Get a bazillion boxes and pack everything and tape them closed (because the kids will pull stuff out if you don't) Don't leave any basket unpacked because the kids will get into it.  If you can though pack the stuff already organized.
• Pre-make gf foods so that meals are easy and/or buy convenience foods and easy snacks.
• Take down the pictures and wall hangings as one of the FIRST things instead of the last and wrap them in towels and blankets and tape it all down so they are protected and now the walls are ready to be cleaned and nail holes fixed.  Don't let other people help you pack unless you know them really really well.
• Do a deep “spring cleaning” in the weeks BEFORE you move so that when you go to clean it at the very end it won't take as long!
• It's hard to know what to leave out and what to pack so think of it in a reverse way... “Pack” as if you are going somewhere.. what are the basics of what you need for a week or two? Now really pack everything else and leave that bit out.
• Tape colored paper onto the boxes and have a “key” that shows which color goes into which room (green for kitchen, blue for bedroom, pink for girls room, etc.)  Writing doesn't work as well because you can't see it as clearly.
• Plan to have people come and move all the boxes in one big go instead of trying to do the layer moving.... because that's what your husband would rather do.
   Also, don't keep any sharp-edged furniture near a place where the kids play!
  
  
  
  
  And now the long version of our move for those people that like too much detail.  ;)
  
  
  It was a beautiful Thursday, sunny and not to hot or cold. The manager at our apartments thought she'd be able to get us the keys that night instead of the next morning. Yay! I'd finally get to see the new place and do some prep-work to get it ready for us to move in (you know, putting in shelf paper in the kitchen and cleaning those spots that they missed.) The kids were abnormally clingy that day and the baby wouldn't let me do anything without holding her, but I managed to pack more stuff from the upstairs and bring it down to the dinning room so it would be ready to move to the car. That night comes and I'm totally worn out and an emotional wreck (not exactly sure why... pms? Just the usual depression of missing my home and family? Not enough sleep? Or all three?) Anyway, when they said they couldn't give me the keys early it was a little disappointing, but then it wasn't just that they couldn't give them to me early, they were now going to have to give the keys to me at the END of Friday. We were having some guys come that Friday night to move the super heavy stuff (like my piano and wardrobe) because it was the only day they could make it work. So, any prep-time I had to move things and clean and all was gone. On Friday afternoon (while the baby slept) I was able to get the landrover cleaned out and the seats all down (car-seats and boosters out of the way) and got it half loaded. Then (while the babe was still sleeping) somehow the girls went from quietly watching a show to playing (aka pushing) and then Lily is screaming with her head down on the side of the coffee table with her legs on the couch and Renna looking guilty. Note to self-- never leave wood furniture with square edges by the couch.. or bed... or really any place in the house where the kids might fall and gash their head open. Yeah, she had a cut above her eye and it was bleeding a little too much and it was a little too open to not need stitches. My car was incapacitated at the moment (I would have had to unload it by quite a bit and then put the seats back in.) Plus the baby woke up because she heard Lily's very loud crying (so she was cranky and wanted help going back to sleep.) So, there we were. Lily laying on the couch patched up as best as I could do. Renna feeling sensitive because she'd gotten in trouble for pushing her sister. Me holding the sleeping baby and it was about 4 pm. The guys were coming at about 6 and then the manager called to tell us that she had the keys for us. … yay...
  
  
  I was texting Youssef who came home early to take Lily to the hospital for me and he was getting more and more anxious and stressed every second. I managed to finish packing the Landrover (which was pretty necessary as all the stuff was blocking the furniture that the guys were going to move!) And then went over to the new apartment to see it for the first time. On the way there, the guys that were supposed to set up our internet (that Youssef was so “on the ball” about getting scheduled as soon as possible) said that they'd been waiting for quite a while. So, Renna and Grace and I had to hang out at the new place while they tried to set up the internet. I did a few bits of cleaning while I was there and just got a feel for what was different about it (same layout, but 10 square ft bigger) and was pleasantly surprised to see a few extra shelves here and a few extra inches there. Getting to see the place was helpful in knowing where I wanted to put stuff. The internet couldn't be set up though because they thought the cable must have broken somewhere between the outside box and the connection inside. So, internet was off until the next Thursday when someone could come and fix that.
  
  
  At this point, Youssef is still gone with Lily as she gets 5 stitches and I am having to make dinner for the two little ones and myself (I was SO thankful that I'd gotten gluten free mac&cheese!) It was getting close to the time when the three guys were going to show up and I hadn't heard from Youssef yet and didn't know when he'd be home. My piano HAD to have at least four guys to move it and I didn't know who else to call or ask to come over. I did end up calling a friend to see if her husband could make it, but they were on their way to a meeting and couldn't send him. They gave me the number of another friend (I didn't have internet so couldn't find some of these connections myself since I don't normally call these people.) But I was able to get a hold of Youssef and found out that they were on their way back home so I didn't need to call anyone else. The guys showed up before Youssef did, but they were able to take my wardrobe out with just the three of them and Youssef and Lily showed up before they'd gotten it all the way down the stairs. Lily was a trooper, but it was NOT fun for her of course to get the stitches! And we had a time keeping her less active (no running, no pushing!) so she wouldn't bonk it and open it up again.
  
  
  Anyway, by the end of Friday the large furniture was over there and Youssef spent a few more hours moving “his own” stuff. He didn't think my method of filling up the Landrover and then driving it over was as efficient as walking armloads back and forth, so that's what he did. He got a good leg workout and said he was thankful that he didn't have a job in manual labor.
  
  
  Saturday morning arrived and we got up early to move the large stuff over first before it was going to rain! Yeah, it was now cold and windy and rain was threatening to come. Mattresses and the other large stuff that had to be walked over needed to go first. I'd built the bunk bed IN the girls room and didn't want to take it all apart so we hoisted it over the half wall in their loft room and lowered it down. This completely freaked Youssef out for some reason, though it worked perfectly well and we didn't drop or scrape anything. It was much faster then trying to take it down the stairs (and actually it wouldn't have fit down the stairs anyway.) When we got to the new place we hoisted it back up the same way (that was a little trickier but we were able to do it with just the two of us.) After that and doing the girls mattresses and taking other two person things over the last thing I had to help with was the queen mattress and I'll tell you what.. my arms weren't working so great at that point. BUT we made it through and none of those things got wet. We were now to the stage were Youssef could unload the Landrover and I could put those things away quickly so that we could go back and pack more and load and unpack (you get the idea.) Youssef called the unpacking/putting away part “digesting”... My job was to “digest” the stuff he brought in. At some point I had to stop to feed the kids, but Youssef didn't stop then and even though we'd had a few offers (from neighbors) to help us move we'd talked about how that wouldn't help because we hadn't finished packing. See, we were packing things at one location and taking it to the new place and unpacking in virtually the same location since the floor plans are almost identical. Takes longer than it would to just move boxes of course, but if you look at the time it takes to organize afterward with the unpacking this was saving me time later. The problem of course is that you have to do most of it yourself since no one can really help pack and organize your own things. We'd talked about it several times though and I thought I'd explained this “layer” way of moving.
  
  
  Then to my surprise Youssef comes in with a neighbor (not just any neighbor, but the one that is a little too intense and a little TOO friendly and we find out later she has some boundary issues) and Youssef said that she was helping us move. She was unloading as he spoke so I couldn't really say “oh no thanks we've got it covered” … yeah, so I'm in the new house needing to go to the dollar store to get shelf paper and a stranger is in my old house “packing” by doing things like, pulling out a little scrapbook present that I'd made (that was in a GIFT bag already) and jamming it into a plastic grocery back with my ratty recipe books. She did things like taking my spice rack and dumping it upside down into a bag. Actually, everything that was in a basket (that I'd organized in my kitchen) she turned upside down into bags. See, the layering way of moving is actually easier if you DON'T do stuff like that! I was planning on just taking stuff out of one closet or cupboard and putting it all in the same box or basket and taking it over so that I could just put it right away. As it was I found all of my silverware and utensils and every tiny thing that was in the drawers in my kitchen all jumbled together in a box. So, I had to wash even more things than I'd have needed to. Talk about a full load of dishes with just all the silverware and servings spoons and all? Yeah, not so helpful. I worked on some of that while putting the shelf paper in. At some point during my trying to get the kitchen actually ready to receive the mess that I was being given, the lady's husband came over to “help” too. He was probably more of a help as he seemed to be getting the big stuff instead of trying to pack all the tiny things. We'd talked about another friend coming and probably would have been ready (with boxes and things actually ready to go) but with the two neighbors helping we really had too much “help” but Youssef decided that we needed more help and instead of canceling with this friend he asked him to come over.
  
  
  It was pretty clear that the two guys were a bit miffed at how we were moving (I would have been if I were them!) and I was embarrassed about the old apartments condition and not sure how to stop the train wreck. I'd planned on throwing things away and cleaning appliances and stuff before moving them, but the way things were going I found my good gf chocolate in a bag with a thing of white flour (that was given to us for Youssef way back in the day that I never used because of the allergy thing and was going to throw away) .. That was a bit discouraging (both were open because I nibble on the chocolate for a long time.) I'd planned on organizing while packing (by throwing at least all the girls toys into their own boxes and all things that go in the same room in the same boxes.) Youssef was running like a mad man trying to move everything before the rain got worse (when everyone left the sun came out for a while, so my plan would have even worked better with the weather.) So, yes.. I think everyone was relieved when the extra people left (especially them I'm sure!)  I was probably dehydrated too because all the water that I had in a water dispenser for drinking (the tap makes me feel a little ill) was dumped out by the “helpful” neighbor. But I was more worn out from trying to deal with the train wreck then if we hadn't had so much “help.” Actually, when Youssef and I talked about moving in the weeks before I'd always said how I was more worried about too many people helping than not having enough people. We needed people for a few specific jobs, but other then that it was better with just us. What with all the stuff going on I think we finally actually finished dinner at almost 8 or something. Needless to say, the girls got to sleep pretty late. The baby finally went to sleep around 11 or something, and we'd pretty much untangled the stuff dumped everywhere. I was just turning off lights when the neighbor that had helped us knocked on the door. Hmm.. yeah, boundary issues? 11 pm or so and the kids are finally asleep and me in my pjs and she's asking if she could clean the old apartment for us because she'd offered to do it with me on Sunday and they were going to be gone on Sunday. I told her that we hadn't finished packing and moving everything. “Oh, I can do that for you.” She says. Yeah, I must have looked a little panicked when I tried to politely refuse by saying that I wanted to organize it while packing. So she offers to clean it up Sunday night because she's a night owl anyway. And I couldn't go to sleep till 2am because I was fretting and overly tired. I was actually worried that I wouldn't have it all cleaned before she came to “help” …..
  
  
  The next morning was “spring forward” so we were behind according to the clock, but we actually made pretty good time moving all the last of it out of the apartment. I went and had the girls help pack things and tried to make it fun for them (by sounding more enthusiastic then I felt.) We worked for a few hours and then had to break for lunch, but we got the landrover full again and the only things left were stuff we had to carry over (like all of my art) because it would have been more of a pain to package it all up for transport than to just carry a few over at a time and make several trips. Another neighbor (a nice sane one) offered to help and it actually did help because I had to nurse the baby to sleep and that way Youssef didn't need to take so many trips by himself. They chatted and it sounded like we could be friends with her and her husband.
  
  
  Around 5 or so that night we'd gotten everything out of the apartment and had to break for dinner. I was pretty tired and dragging my feet about going to clean it, but once I got over there I started to feel better in all the quiet. It got dark pretty fast though and I couldn't see what I was doing. It took so long just to take all the thumb tacks down and do other little things to get it ready for cleaning that by the time I was ready to clean it was almost 9. Youssef came over with me then to help with some of the stuff (washing marks off the walls and cleaning the blinds and so on) but when I had to leave to put the kids to sleep that was right about when the crazy neighbor came to “help.” I didn't know at the time if it would help or not, but lets just say that I had to re-clean everything that she cleaned. When I came back with the little one after putting the older ones to sleep she was convincing Youssef about all the places we didn't need to worry about cleaning. “Oh you don't have to clean the blinds.... Oh you don't have to worry about that or this because I've been here so many years and so-and-so didn't get in trouble for not doing that.” Well, I was determined to leave the place in better shape than when we came to it, so I just ignored her and said that I'd rather do too much than too little and it actually did say on the cleaning list from the management to clean the blinds and wipe everything down and so on. It was 11 something when we left the place. It still wasn't totally done and she'd offered to stay behind and finish, but I wanted to just wait and do it in the morning. It actually took me ALL the next day to finish the deep cleaning, but I think it was worth it. I left it in a condition that I would be comfortable moving into! Obviously they will paint and so on, but it was cleaned up better than the one we've moved into.
  
  
  I'm NOT ready to do a deep cleaning here yet though. I will of course, but only after I do all the organizing. It all turned out fine I suppose. Youssef was going to take the library dvds back on Saturday since they were due that day, but we missed that window and I was afraid we'd owe some late fees. No internet for several days so I couldn't renew online or even check what was due so that was frustrating. There was only the one case of major accident with stitches and all the cleaning and moving DID get done in the time amount that I thought it would... except we were given the keys a day late so it bumped the completion to the end of Monday instead of Sunday.  Still though, it's all done and I'm thankful to be here.  I needed to write this all out for myself so that I could know what to do next time.  I hate moving. 
  
  

Learning (and teaching!) styles

So I've been sick and trying to rest (and skipping doing school with the girls) but I read through this book in less than two days!  It was that good.  I thought it would talk about the usual Visual, Auditory, and Kinesthetic ways of remembering information.  I have a pretty good idea of what my girls bend toward in those areas and I've been familiar with this for quite some time.  What I was surprised to read though was what the first half of the book talked about!

The way in which we view the world is called our ---

Perception
And we perceive in two ways... Concrete and Abstract

The way we USE the information we perceive is called---

Ordering
 We order in two ways... Sequential and Random


All of us have elements of all of these styles and combinations, but in general we will be dominant in one of the combinations.  This is the combinations with a very brief description of the type.

Concrete/Sequential
 Hardworking, conventional, accurate, stable, dependable, consistent, factual, organized
Abstract/Sequential
 Analytic, objective, knowledgeable, thorough, structured, logical, deliberate, systematic
Abstract/Random
 Sensitive, compassionate, perceptive, imaginative, idealistic, sentimental, spontaneous, flexible
Concrete/Random
Quick, intuitive, curious, realistic, creative, innovative, instinctive, adventurous


What I learned from reading this book was not so much about how my kids learn, but how I need to teach!  I feel like over half my life has been spent trying to be a different type than what I am and being miserable because I couldn't seem to be that.  While it's important to develop other ways to learn and teach, it's first important to know how we perceive and order information to begin with so that we can play up our strengths!  We can then use our strengths to become stronger in the areas that we are weak.

The book also talked about how we understand things.  Are we more analytical (gathering all the details first) or do we see things in a more global way (what's the big picture?)

When I was telling my husband about all of this the other night he immediately went towards the "which one is better" route, but the whole point of the book is to point out that one way of thinking is not inherently "smarter" than another way.  One way might think more creatively while another mode will think more practically and both are needed in society.  The problem though is that our school system is geared toward the Concrete / Systematic people the most and those of us who are different then that often don't get what we need.

What I realized in my own life though is that while I was homeschooled all my life, my parents were both trained public school teachers and my homeschooling was pretty much an imitation of the classroom.  That wasn't a terrible way for me to learn or anything, but I've felt far too stressed about my own homeschooling journey with my kids and now I understand why and what I can do about it, but more about that later...

I've felt deficient for over half my life because I've felt the pressure from multiple areas that I was failing at being consistent and organized and stable.

I also understand why it bothered me so much when I was almost done with Highschool and I was so frustrated with all the time I was spending learning things that I'd never use.  The Concrete/Random asks when learning "How much of this is really necessary?"  I learned so much more when I was left alone to attain practical skills and just follow what I was interested in.  Later I got my G.E.D. and got 100% on almost every section of the test (2 years after quitting highschool and with only one night of study before taking the test) but I didn't feel like that was ever "good enough"... But why?  Because in a way I was thinking that the way I natural learn is wrong.  I might say "I'm not great at being consistent" but in many ways I AM good at being consistent though it's not in a systematic way.  I'm consistent in a global random way, and I know now that this is totally fine and good and I should stop putting pressure on myself to be systematic and start playing up the area that I'm strong in.

Oh, and just for your information the other learning styles ask this primarily--

Concrete/Sequential -- What facts do I need?  How do I do it?  What should it look like?  When is it due? (Notice how these questions are just exactly what a teacher would want to hear?)
Abstract/Sequential -- How do I know this is true?  Have we considered all the possibilities?  What will we need to accomplish this?
(This sounds like the "bright" kid in the traditional classroom setting)
Abstract/Random -- What does this have to do with me?  How can I make a difference?
(This sounds more like the sort of person that make friends with everyone and does a great job IF they feel they have something to contribute.)
Concrete/Random -- How much of this is really necessary?
(And yes, this is the kid that annoys the teacher the most.)

If you tend toward the C.S. and are teaching someone like me who is a dominant C.R. you are going to be frustrated I'm sure.  Actually, I can be a bit frustrated at times too because my oldest leans a bit towards the C.S. and schedules are stressful for me.  But I'm jumping ahead of myself... now to the point of this blog post.

My dominant bent is "Concrete / Random" with a bunch of other layers to that, and I won't get into all of that.  My revelation came when I saw what stresses the C.R. type
The dominant Concrete/Random usually thrives with 
-- inspiration
-- independence 
-- compelling reasons
-- freedom to choose options
--guidelines instead of rules
--opportunities for creative alternatives

The Concrete/Random is often stressed by
--excessive restrictions and limitations
--forced schedules or routines
--not being appreciated as a unique individual
--not being given credit for knowing the right thing to do

Those last two in the "stressed by" list I haven't experienced in a really long time (I sort of remember being frustrated by them when I was a teenager maybe?)   BUT the first two in the stressed list are a HUGE revelation because I've been continually feeling stressed (of my own making) because I've been trying to put those limitations on myself!  I've been trying to force a schedule and put in limitations and restrictions (especially with homeschooling and house cleaning) because I thought that was the "way to do it."

My goal now that I know this though is to figure out how to stay in the "freedom to choose options" and stay inspired and independent in my schooling and household duties.  I'm always the happiest when I'm reading to the girls and the thing we are reading happens to give me a good project idea or remind me of a science experiment that I saw on Pinterest and we just up and do it!  I love that!  I don't necessarily like the mess it all makes, but boredom for me is a worse enemy than having to clean up.  When I was trying to explain this to my husband he said that what I was trying to do (the scheduling thing and restrictions) was the "wrong way to homeschool"  --I can't agree with that.  I think if you thrive with a schedule then you should use one, but if you know that your child is a bit more like me with needing to choose their options and be inspired and independent you could perhaps ask which subject they want to start with (instead of insisting on always starting with Math or whatever) and come up with other ways to help them engage without making them feel bored or breaking their desire to keep trying. 

Okay, so, my oldest perhaps tends toward the Concrete/Sequential (which might change as she grows of course) and what they thrive in is this --
organization
predictability
schedules
routines
tangible rewards
literal language

And what stresses them is this--
too much to do
not knowing where to begin
no clean, quiet places
not knowing expectations
vague or general directions
not seeing an example

So, when I talk about how I'm stressed about homeschooling perhaps it will make more sense now.  It does to me at least!  Now I know that I'm not just being weird or flawed for feeling stressed out when someone says to just make a list and follow the list or schedule or just be consistent with this or that and it will work out fine.  Find a routine and stick to it.  Yes, those are things that a dominant Concrete/Sequential would value, but for me I'm suddenly thrown into stress mode!  My oldest daughter throw me into stress mode when she is showing signs of needing more order and a schedule and more concrete directions and examples.

My goal now it to figure out how to somehow plan the "bigger picture" and have a routine WITH options and have some consistency with a lot of flexibility to be creative and independent.

If you are following me on this you might be starting to get why I'm struggling with the balance.  I don't know how to have the flexibility while still having the consistency.  Perhaps I'm over thinking it and just need to go with what I've been doing already.  Honestly, this would be a lot easier if I didn't have a toddler too.  I think I could have more order WITH freedom if my little "not-yet-two-year-old" wouldn't interrupt and get into stuff and wreck havoc, but much of that will only get easier as she grows up.
Using a pre-made schedule through Sonlight is really helpful for me because it keeps me somewhat on track but I can choose to do some things on different days.  I can throw out some of their ideas all together and add in my own instead.  It gives me a place to start instead of starting totally from scratch.  I like that.  I like having the guide and I just need to stop feeling bad for not being someone that I'm not.  There is that thrifty part of me though that wonders why we'd spend so much on a school that I'm not using exactly the way they have it set up, BUT we do read through all the books.. we just don't do it in the same order.. we do most of their ideas.. we just switch the days around.

This was another long post, but if I don't write it all down then I forget what I've learned.  And perhaps some of you are struggling with homeschooling (or whatever) and aren't sure why.  A book like this might help you understand not only your kids but yourself as well!

2012 reflections in depth

Looking back at 2012 I can easily think of one word to best describe it-- Tired:

Definition:

exhausted, weary

Synonyms:

all in, annoyed, asleep, beat*, bored, broken-down, burned out, collapsing, consumed, dead on one's feet, distressed, dog-tired, done for, done in, drained, drooping, droopy, drowsy, empty, enervated, exasperated, faint, fatigued, fed up*, finished, flagging, haggard, irked, irritated, jaded, narcoleptic, overtaxed, overworked, petered out, played out, pooped, prostrated, run-down, sick of, sleepy, spent, stale, tuckered out, wasted, worn, worn out

Take any of those synonyms and they can easily each be applied to different points in this year. Not that this year didn't have it's up sides of course, but it's super hard to enjoy anything when you look at them through all of those “weary” “annoyed” “burned out” “exhausted” (etc) feelings. Just the continual exhaustion with no apparent escape and not much short term things to look forward to have worn on me.  Going from 1 to 2 years for each girl has always been the hardest age for me to handle.  The non-stop teething and getting into things is so tiring. Trying to get more consistent with the older girls school time is a lot of work with a needy toddler. Being introverted (meaning that lots of people and strangers are energy draining to me) makes living in such close quarters and in such a large city pretty impossible to find a place where I can regain any energy alone with nature. So very often I wished that I could go to my Mom's house or hang out with my sister in law where the kids could play outside and be loved and I could get some good chatting and projects in.  I haven't had much energy to do the artistic things that I normally would love to do.  The hardest part about living here has been not knowing anyone who truly loved my girls. I can't imagine anyone loving them as well as their Gramma or Antie. Often as I wade through the hard times of every day parenting I wish someone would tell me how adorable my kids are and laugh at their jokes so that I can remember the positive side of this every dayness.

An excerpt from the book “Hope For the Weary Mom”

---

"But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong." (2 Corinthians 12:9-10)

So boast, mom. Boast in the fact that you're not good enough, not strong enough, not smart enough, NOT ENOUGH to be a good mom. And watch what God does. Boast. Be honest about where you are, who you are, and who you're not. Wiggle out of that straight jacket as Jesus turns the key with HIS mighty right hand and let Him be strong for you.

-----

We are all going through something. Even if our lives look “perfect” it's still life and it's still hard. I need to explain the hard things of this year for me, not to complain, but to hopefully share the hope that I've found in the midst of it. To “boast in my weaknesses” so that Christ is glorified.

As I look back at this last year and consider other things I've gone through I'd put this last year over all as the hardest year of my life. Other years have had some bigger downs and some greater ups, but this particular year I mainly stayed in the down area. I barely had enough energy to find a “neutral” emotion and everything that I used to enjoy I couldn't seem to find the where-with-all to do.

The beginning of 2012 felt like we pushed a reset button. As if everything that had happened the year before well, just didn't work and we needed to start over. The churches we'd been going to in 2011 weren't working out so we decided to stick with one in 2012 that our kids liked. Just to give them an opportunity to make friends and give us a small break when they went to the Sunday school. Besides feeling like no headway was made that whole first year in really settling down here my biggest problem was this: How can I find the right kind of alone time to recharge and regain energy when I'm constantly around people at home and strangers every where I look? It's easy for someone to say that I just need to build a support system, go to a homeschooling group, get involved in a church, and so on, but these are people who gain energy from being around new people. I've got to find the energy to do that and it's pretty hard to gain with three little kids. I love homeschooling, but the beginning of 2012 found me rather terrified again to start. Mainly because I wasn't sure HOW to start and often afraid that I'd fail. Physically I just couldn't get the sleep I needed then. Naps during the day can't really happen when you have older ones that will fight or get things out that they shouldn't. Youssef worked well at his job and wanted to have time to write on his own projects so I kept trying to give him the time he needed in the evenings and didn't realize that I was running on empty and essentially operating almost like a single parent of three. The weariness kept building and building without any glimmer of relief as my baby became more and more active and teething harder all the time. I started resenting living here and every Texas Pride comment from locals was the sting of lemonade in my paper cut (Princess Bride reference.) In some ways what I was going through helped me to realize what Youssef went through for me when he moved to Spokane to marry me. When I looked back at the times right after we were married when he'd talk about how much he missed his Dallas friends and the bigger city and so on I was able to finally realize that it wasn't me being a disappointment to him. For instance, as a new wife you can imagine how hurt I felt when he didn't seem to want to spend time with me, lamenting that I wasn't like his friends from Dallas, but 2012 brought with it a new understanding. Grief comes in different forms and takes it's own time to heal. I've always been slower with new situations than the average person. Making friends has always taken longer for me then for others. I'm socially awkward and say the wrong things. I think I'm being open and sharing and don't realize that I sound negative and complaining. My expressions don't always match what I'm actually thinking. Even Youssef has had to ask me if I was angry when I was just concentrating or very confused. Even when we were first married and lived in Spokane it took me quite a while to learn the roads and make friends there. We'd been married for 6 years before moving to Dallas, and for all that time my goal in life was pretty much to do anything I could to make Youssef happy. Even silly things like constantly choosing foods that I thought he'd like over things that I really wanted when I went grocery shopping to where we'd live or how I arranged furniture. We went through a lot of ups and downs as Youssef discovered what he wanted to do and more often what he didn't want to do. Everything that I thought he wanted to do I tried to help make happen, but after 6 years of marriage with him still wishing that we lived in Dallas I decided that it was time to help facilitate the move. Nothing seemed to make him fully happy in Washington and the way he talked about living here made it sound like the promised land. I'm glad to see him enjoying his job now and getting to travel on business like he wanted. The first half of this year however found me in a place I've never been. I used to be an annoyingly happy, half-full, look on the bright side, singing all the time person who actually laughed while reading Ecclesiastes because it seemed so ridiculously over-the-top. “Vanity of vanities, all is vanity...” Ha ha, Solomon was so silly to think everything is useless, right? Well, that's what I used to think until 2012 because I finally felt what he did. All of that striving to give Youssef what he wanted left me with almost nothing. I felt like almost everything that was important to me was traded in for something lesser. I mean, sure I wanted to live in a place that had a kitchen sink, but that isn't as important to me as mountains and pine trees and especially my family. When we talked about how I could regain some energy or how much I struggled to homeschool the girls the way I wanted to he would bring up putting them in a school. To my ideals and dreams giving up on homeschooling would have been the last petal plucked off my flower. The idea of living back in Washington was a good dream but started to become more important to me than it should. A good thing that you want too much is an idol and that's what that wish became to me. Is it true that I'd be happier if we'd never moved? Probably. Is it true that if we were there it would be easier for me to homeschool because of the support system that I already had? Yes. Is it true that the girls wouldn't miss their grandparents and cousins and snow if we still lived there? Of course. Is it true that I'd be able to find the rest that I desperately needed and an enthusiastic baby-sitter in my Mom? Totally. I began to kick myself for helping to make this move happen because I knew that if I'd not been so supportive of his dream and planned out the move we wouldn't be here now.

Then my Grandma Betty died and a few other people also passed away, and now every time my Mom asks if I'm busy and if she can call I have a moment of dread. I'm afraid that I will hear bad news about someone who was closer to me being sick or who had been in an accident or something. These thoughts make me constantly regret the time that I can't spend with them right now and subsequently lead me to resenting even more where we live now.

Yes, I know I should be enjoying where I am, the pool at our apartment and my girls and the little things here, but by the time half of 2012 was through I was so thoroughly run-down physically and emotionally (again, look at all of this through the tired synonyms) that I was merely feeling these things though I couldn't have expressed them at the time. If you asked how I felt then and I answered honestly I'd have said I felt “nothing.” I was so done-in that I didn't even have the energy to feel anything let alone ask for help or know what to ask. At the end of July I was able to take the girls up to Washington for a month and though the trip there was a lot of work I finally started getting the rest I needed as the weeks rolled on. I had a chance to work through some anger and unforgiveness that I didn't know I'd been feeling. Being able to reflect was helpful even if it was bringing up some old wounds and strong emotions. The trip was far too short of course, but I at least was able by the end to respond more to my littlest when she cried. After I was there for a week I started waking up from the tired daze I'd been in and saw my children for the first time in a long time. I began to work with them again on asking for things nicely and got back some of my sanity enough to come up with ways to entertain my baby when she was upset or teething. The flight home went much smoother with a Mommy that actually had something to give her children.

I even had the energy when we were back to start up their schooling in a good way and the one hour each month that Youssef and I watched the toddlers during church didn't do me in for the entire day anymore like it had at first. I actually looked forward to it and felt fine when it was over! That said, while I felt like I had more energy after the long visit home a few months later the Holidays came and anyone who's grieved over a loss will remember how hard holidays can be. Memories can be painful and it's easy to become discouraged and feel alone all over again. The beginning of 2013 almost could have started the same as 2012, but for one very important thing.

Around Christmas time I started reading a book called “Hope for the Weary Mom” and while I'd started other books that seemed to be useful, there wasn't any that helped me as much as this one. Because, as I said at the beginning, this whole year can be summed up in every way with being tired. I've been weary all year in every way possible with very little hope. Where do you find energy and encouragement when all the usual things and places and people that help you aren't near anymore? A once a year visit with my Mom that is only made possible by generous people with air miles isn't a viable long term solution to my problem. Youssef's family is around even less then I get to visit mine. I'm faced with the same struggle with figuring out how to build a support system while finding ways to recharge. It's the every day stuff that I struggle with. Actually, even if I did have a support system or more help I don't know that they could give me enough of what I need. That would be helpful, but it's not the first thing that I need. First I need hope, and much as I'd like to see an end to living here or even a glimmer of long term viability; like being able to buy a house that works better for our family while giving us the chance to save up for planned trips to Washington (it's more expensive here to rent than to buy, but we can't buy a place for at least three more years, which is a completely different vein of this story that I'm not going to get into) – I can't put my hope in the things of this world.

Another excerpt from “Hope for the Weary Mom”

---

See, hope is not a wish or a sprinkle of magical fairy dust. Hope is a person. Hope comes with flesh and blood in Jesus. when I call to him, He comes quickly. He has no expectations of me. Actually, it is quite the opposite. He says things like: "Do not fear, for I am with you; Do not anxiously look about you, for I am your God. I will strengthen you, surely I will help you, Surely I will uphold you with My righteous right hand." (Isaiah 41:10)

"Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest." (Matthew 11:28)

He wants to help me. He wants to comfort me. Hope wants to lift my heavy burdens and give me sweet soul-rest. When I am honest about my struggle and I take off the veil, I am in place to receive this comfort. There is nothing between us, and hope reaches straight to my heart.

As I open my eyes, I see the dishes are still close to a national disaster. Nothing has really changed in a physical sense. I get up, and the tears start to flow a bit. He leans in close and whispers it again, "Surely I will help you. Surely."

And He does.

I can look back over this past year and see where He has been showing His love for me. Where He has seen me hurting or being angry or kicking against this place He's placed me in and has still loved me. Almost the very day this spring that I prayed for God to bring me a friend, I met a mom out by the pool with her daughter almost the same age as Gracie. They'd just moved in and I was constantly surprised about how many areas we could connect on. Then I was super excited to see that her husband got along really well with Youssef! Youssef and I aren't the average couple so it's wonderful to meet another couple that both of us get along well with.

The most recent blessing was on Christmas day when I was in the kitchen cooking and trying not to be depressed as some memory flooded back to me and I thought about how we were spending our Christmas alone again this year and right at that moment when I was tearing up it began to snow. Yes, snowing ON Christmas day in Dallas. You might call that a coincidence, but I know better. It was a special gift from the lover of my soul. We got a quarter of an inch and I got to see my girls (who had been saying again and again since October how much they wanted to play in snow) go out on our balcony and throw snow balls at each other! Everything turned white and clean and pure and I remembered once again about how Jesus takes our mess and makes it as white as snow.

And here I need to add another excerpt from “Hope for the Weary Mom.”

–

Why are we serving God?

The crowds followed Jesus closely as He healed their sick, made their lame walk, and made life and breath and being enter back into their dead. He had filled their stomachs with bread, met their needs, made their spirits soar as He fulfilled His calling from Isaiah 61 to bind up the broken-hearted and release the captives. But the tone of the conversation changed in John chapter six as Jesus began to reveal the real reason He had come, and question why they were following Him.

"Truly, truly, I say to you, you are seeking me, not because you saw signs, but because you ate your fill of the loaves." (John 6:26)

Why do you seek Him? Why do I? Jesus begins, with these words, to draw the line in the sand. "Why do you love me?" He says. "Why are you following me? Is it because of what I can do for you, how I can meet your needs, or provide what you want? Or do you really love me for who I AM?"

"After this many of the disciples turned back and no longer walked with him. So Jesus said to the Twelve, 'Do you want to go away as

well?'" (John 6:66-67)

When life hurts too much, many walk away... turn back from following Jesus and walk with Him no longer. I've felt that pull to walk away. I've questioned God's goodness, felt an icy grip on the edges of my heart as it begins to wonder if He really cares about His children, about me.

But the question that always stops me is this: If I turn away from Jesus, where will I go?

Jesus who died for me while I was in the midst of sinning. Jesus, who gave His life a ransom for mine. Jesus, who paid the penalty I deserved to pay. His back laid open should have been mine. His face bruised and battered should have been mine. His blood spilled should have been mine. I should have been called a traitor, my integrity questioned. I should have been publicly ridiculed for my sin, my attempts at being God tried before a jury of my peers. I should have died with the weight of my sin upon my shoulders, God's hand of wrath on my head.

He took it all.

"Simon Peter answered him, 'Lord, to whom shall we go? You have the words of eternal life, and we have believed, and have come to know that you are the Holy One of God.'" (John 6:68-69)

There comes a time in the life of every believer when we must choose to turn away or follow Jesus no matter what, because we know He holds the words of eternal life... He is the Holy One of God. And that's all that matters.

Why do we seek Him? Is it so He can perform for us, take care of all our needs, bind up our wounds, raise our dead? He is that God. He sees us. But if we only follow Him because of what He does, there will come a time when we feel like He doesn't. And then we must choose if we will turn away or follow through the times when life hurts too much because of who He is, the God who bends down to listen (Psalm 116:2), and gives up His all to give us life.

So my healing from life's losses comes down to this: I follow Jesus not because of what He can do for me, but because of what He's already done for me on the cross. I keep my eyes firmly on the cross, and remember this greatest act of love between God and man. I continue to hurt for the losses, but I begin to see a glimmer of hope. A faint blush of warmth fills my heart anew as I remember just how much He loved me.

And it's enough.

Jesus loves me and He is enough. He HAS to be because even when everything is “perfect” it's really not. I might think that “this” or “that” will bring fulfillment, but in the end everything disappoints-- except Jesus. People ask why God allows bad things to happen. He could stop them right? Yes, he could and sometimes does, but more often he uses those things to give us something far better than what we think would be good on this earth. What is that thing? That “if only ______ would happen” then it would all be better? Whatever you thought of to fill in the blank is a far lesser thing than what He wants for us and He wants to give us Himself-- the Alpha and Omega.

It seems that I'm always having to re-learn this and where to go when I need comfort. It's easy to say that Jesus is everything, but not go to Him first when a problem or discouragement comes up. Too often I go to Facebook or food as my “functional savior”... just something to make me feel better or give me an escape, but those good things can become too important when I go to them to “hide” instead of crying out to Jesus.

Another excerpt--

----------------------

If hopelessness had a day, it was when they placed the body of Jesus in a tomb and rolled the stone in place. Many of His followers hid that day. Most of them did in fact. Who could blame them? I probably would have been right in the middle of the crew of eleven in the upper room that day.

But Mary Magdalene did not hide. Instead she went to where she knew Jesus could be found. Scripture tells us she and the other women went to prepare the body for a proper burial, but I think she went for different reasons. I believe she went to pour out not only oil, but her desperate heart as well. Broken and honest she fell to her knees before the empty tomb. What a picture, right? It is so like us, too. We fall down before Him and think He is nowhere to be found. When really, He is there about to move in a way we could never imagine.

Jesus spoke her name. She knew it was Him. He met her in the middle of her sorrow and she was never the same. That day, Mary became the first grace clinger. She did not want to let Him go. Because she saw with her own eyes that running to Jesus can bring about a miracle.

When we cling to Jesus He does a miracle in our lives too. We need to come to a point where we believe, along with Mary, that hiding anywhere away from Jesus is never going to result in victory in our lives. What happens when we run and hide from the calling He has placed on our lives as moms, is that we end up running and hiding from our source of strength-- Jesus.

Jesus said, "Come to me all you who are weary and burdened and I will give you rest." (Matthew 11:28)

We don't really want a mocha frappe when we are weary. What we really want is rest for our weary souls. We have got to get into the habit of running to Him and not from Him. And honestly, I'm speaking to this mama first.

We run to a Throne of Grace.

….

It's His kindness that leads us to repentance.

Not His wrath. Not His judgment. Not His punishment for sin. Kindness. Love. Mercy. Forgiveness.

That's what our children need from us the most, isn't it? ... to be able to control what comes out of her mouth. We say things like, "I didn't mean it like that," or "I don't know what came over me," but the reality is that we're stressed, deflated, disappointed, and overworked most of the time. We live through seasons of constant failure.

--------

Isn't it wonderful that He does not guilt us or shame us into repentance? He isn't that voice inside my head that tells me how often I fail and that everyone hates me and why would they like me anyway when I'm so unlikeable? No, he leads me to repentance by His kindness. He sits with me through the mess and understands. The gospel is not just important to proclaim because we are saved from hell after death it's important right now because we are saved and being saved RIGHT NOW from our sins.

I want to take a moment now to thank those friends of mine who have listened to my up and down emotions (mostly down) through this year especially, and still stuck with me and encouraged me and prayed for me through these hard transitions. It is a rare friend who can look past the words being spoken and love me anyway. My Mom and sister-in-law have been a huge part of encouraging me. If Jesus' kindness leads us to repentance it's pretty safe to say that our kindness to each other can be used by Him to lead us to repentance more easily than harsh words.

“A true Christian is one who lives a life of repentance.” If you've been taught that being a Christian means reading your Bible and going to church and “looking right” to the world then you don't know the gospel. Those things aren't wrong and might happen on their own, but it's not the good news! The good news is that He's right with us and understands and forgives as we continually repent from our idols over and over again till He fills and mends every part of our broken hearts.

I also want to thank Youssef. The more I think back through this year and how hard it was and how I acted, I'm more and more thankful that my husband has stuck with me. At times I know he wished I could just “snap out” of the tired funk and depression, but he always tries to love me better and listens even when he doesn't understand what is wrong with me. I wasn't a great mother or a great wife this past year. In 2012, I felt like I was barely surviving and put too much energy into holidays and decorating so that my children wouldn't feel as sad as I did. But God is bigger than my failings and I'm happy to look back and see how far each of the girls has come and grown in spite of me.

More excerpts--

---

"It's habits that can imprison you and it's habits that can free you and when thanks to God becomes a habit, so joy in God becomes your life," Ann Voskamp

Weariness for me is a habit of my heart. I get bogged down by the things of life because--let's face it-- life is hard. I don't want to be imprisoned by my weariness habit anymore. My thanks giving, my daily counting joy-filled gifts unlocks the prison and sets me free. Author Sarah Young says in her book Jesus Calling: "Each day is a precious gift from My Father. How ridiculous to grasp for future gifts when today's is set before you! Receive today's gift gratefully, unwrapping it tenderly and delving into its depths. As you savor this gift, you find Me.”

For 2013 I don't want to make “goals” so much as build habits of thankfulness and running to Jesus first. I want to notice his blessings right now and at least come to a point where it's not painful to see or hear people glorifying Texas. That is what I wish for in this next year. We will still be balancing the times of rest and activity between the five of us. Youssef will still be learning to balance his sensory perception disorder. I will still be introverted and shy and nervous about driving the busy roads. We will still be tired and weary at times and sad and grieving. Some things will get easier with the girls while other things grow harder, but those things that we look forward to changing to make our lives easier can't become all consuming. Because they will never satisfy.

Last excerpt from “Hope for the Weary Mom”

---

In this beautiful allegory, (Hinds Feet in High Places) Much-Afraid is invited to go to the high places by the Good Shepherd. She must take a long journey to get there, and along the way she encounters many difficulties. She climbs mountains, walks in the desert, and survives storms. The chapter in the book that has always spoken most clearly to my heart is entitled, "Into the Mist." Here's an excerpt:

"Now there was nothing but tameness, just a trudge, trudge forward, day after day, able to see nothing except for white clinging mist which hung about the mountains without a gleam of sunshine breaking through"

Much-Afraid was overwhelmed by her situation. She grew weary by the moment and began to listen to the voices of Resentment, Bitterness, and Self-pity. This "made her very disagreeable and difficult to deal with." She stumbled about and limped along directionless. She was completely miserable and on the verge of giving up all together.

.... What did Much-Afraid do? "At last, one afternoon, when the only word which at all described her progress is to say that she was slithering along the path, all muddy and wet and bedraggled from constant slips, she decided to sing."

The most amazing thing happened as she sang-- she cheered a bit. The voices of Resentment, Bitterness, and Self-pity faded away, and to her great surprise she saw the Good Shepherd coming toward her.

"It is just impossible to describe in words the joy of Much-Afraid when she saw him really coming toward them on that dreary mountain path, where everything had been swallowed up for so long in the horrible mist and everything she touched had been so cold and clammy. Now with his coming the mist was rapidly clearing away and a real gleam of sunshine-- the first they had seen for days-- broke through at last."

... I see myself in the pages each time I read the words. And you want to hear something funny? I absolutely love to sing. But some days, when I just want to give up, I forget that. I forget the song God Himself has written on my heart. Instead I listen to voices all around me that tell me to eat a mini pint of java chip ice cream and call my mom to complain. I think I'm alone in my journey and I forget my Good Shepherd is right there with me the whole time. It seems so simple, but we have got to find a song to sing on the most weary-filled days. But where can we find a song?

-----

“I Need Thee Every Hour”

If I picked a song to take me through 2013 it would be this one, and when I look back at the best times in my life they have been those times when I chose to sing and praise God in the midst of depression. And here I am again remembering what He's teaches me over and over again. The older I get the harder life seems to become and the more I know that I can't do any of this without Him.

“I need thee every hour I need thee, oh bless me now my savior I come to thee.”