Asking myself "Why?"

I've been reading a lot of homeschooling articles for encouragement. It really does help! You can imagine that someone like me (who struggles so much with consistency) would be FREAKING out right about now when I get closer and closer to really needing to buckle down and do school with Lily. I've got the reading program already, it looks fabulous the more I figure out how to teach it, and we've gone through the first book already. Lily is really excited to continue on and be able to read!
(The picture below is what she made the other day of a "sick snowman" .. she covered him in penned spots and he needed the scarves because he was cold and sick.) ;]
As I was reading the articles a bunch though, I noticed how some said that they felt called by God to homeschool their kids and others spoke of the benefits of homeschooling in a christian environment at home rather than the evil world. I don't necessarily disagree with those articles, but as I got to thinking about why I want to homeschool my own kids I thought about a few things. First.. I'm a second generation homeschooler. That is.. I was homeschooled all my life growing up and am now homeschooling my own kids. My Mom was one of the "pioneer homeschoolers" back in the day when it was pretty weird to do so.

I remember my dad having a talk with me when I was young.. 12 maybe? .. about how they had taken ideas from their parents and did some things the same way and some things differently. He told me that when I was grown up and had kids I'd look back at what they did and see what was good and what wasn't and improve on what they did. I noticed the other day that while I consciously thought of the things I wanted to change and improve I don't as often think about the things they did right because I naturally copy those things.
Lily is VERY creative and never seems to have enough projects to do! She has quite a long attention span for a 5 1/4 year old as well (the picture above is how she made a space ship from a part of a toy and a cut straw pushed onto it's ends) She's very much like I was/am with her appetite to make things and be creative. She also loves puzzles and I've noticed how I teach the girls how to put puzzles together and how I help them is just like how my Mom did it with me. Allowing me to find things on my own (not doing it for me) and giving me the tools or advice to discover and figure things out on my own.

My mom did a great job with those things, but why do I want to homeschool? I kept going over the reasons of "why?" I mean the BIG reason.. not just the tiny things that I like, though those are many. My experience wasn't "perfect".. but does it have to be? I realize now why we changed curricula every year till I was probably 13 at least. I think we mom's are really worried about doing the best we can for our kids (which is a good thing of course!) And I've had the HARDEST time choosing between curriculum. Even when I think I've chosen, I constantly keep second guessing.

I think the main reason why I want to go with Sonlight is because of how great my own mom was at reading out loud to us. I remember how I wasn't very good at reading out loud (not very smoothly or conversationally) when I was about 14 and wanted to be able to read out loud like my mom. So.. I practiced diligently for a while on my own (by reading Pilgram's Progress out loud to myself!) I love reading to my girls and they seem to enjoy it too! I love doing sound effects and voices too sometimes. :}
Right, so, I've picked out what curricula to go with. Youssef is all for it too since he loves the literature base that it has and "real books" sound great. Do I believe that homeschooling is innately better than other ways to school children though? Is that way we are doing this? I thought a lot about it and I can't say that I think homeschooling is better in itself from other ways to be educated. Really, I don't think it's for everyone and no matter how you choose to school your kids being involved is really important. Obviously, you can be distant from your kids if they are in a public school, but you could also become distant from them and neglect them even when they are homeschooled even when you have more opportunity to be with them and teach them. So, it's really more in our parenting and relationship with our kids than in a certain method or "rule" or world view that will raise them well. Whether it's private school, public school, homeschool, or then which curriculum to go with if you choose to homeschool, the thing is, you can pick the BEST place or method or curricula EVER and still not be the best parent to them.

So, again.. why? It's not because I think it's just automatically a superior way to go (as I've heard other homeschoolers say)... it's because even though I can see holes in my own education the benefits of being taught by my mom were invaluable. I didn't see it all at the time of course, but my older brother and I always got along pretty well even though we are so different (for one thing) I have great memories of us making forts together outside in the afternoons. Honestly, I don't remember a whole lot about what we did in school... I learned how to read.. I know that. ;] My grammar and spelling aren't so great (though my husband "the language buff" has helped me a lot just by example and gentle tutoring.) I know I read a giant history book, but I didn't retain any of the information... Which war goes to what date? I have no idea. I thought world history was more interesting than American history, but I can't tell you much about that either.
It always amazes me how my husband can rattle off some historical fact and the names and dates of dictators and so forth (he went to a public school, but is smarter than the average bear anyway.) Okay, so does my lack of "school knowledge" mean that my education was a failure?

What is more important though? Being able to remember the dates of the civil war or getting along well with my family? Which has served me better in life?

My skills are very much in art and music and I don't find it difficult to teach myself something (if I really want to learn it...) My older brother taught himself how to fix his car and fix other stuff by getting books from the library and figuring it out! That's how I taught myself the harp and knitting and other things. Neither of us look "lacking" by any means as adults. And while any sort of schooling can fail at helping a child retain the facts and dates of history (for instance), homeschooling gave my brother and myself the opportunity to learn how to learn. It gave us the time to develop our interests and work on our natural skills. I remember my older brother making paper airplanes of all kinds when we were around 7 or 8 and now he actually works on real planes!

My mom was always there for us to be a listening ear (well, I don't know if she was actually paying attention to me totally, but she at least pretended to, so it worked!) She didn't criticize the projects that we worked so hard on and gave us some solid Biblical truth. While I don't remember much from my science book, I still have the Bible songs and verses stashed in my memory (that have come out now and then to encourage me many times.)


These musings are all a bit rambly... right.. so what is the answer I came up with?

-- What I truly want is to be WITH my kids. I want to homeschool them because I want to be apart of their lives. I also want to give them the opportunity to develop their interests and truly be prepared for life as an adult. I want to share the learning and growing WITH them as well!

Homeschooling is a lifestyle. And.. honestly, it freaks me out to have all this responsibility.. but I'd have it anyway wouldn't I? Because, it's called "parenting." It just feels more vital in a homeschool lifestyle to do the best job as a parent as I can. With them always being home they will see my life and where I fail. Teaching them to make their beds each morning or clean up after themselves is torture for ME because I have to be even MORE consistent than I would for myself, but it's valuable for them as well as me. It's growing together, and while I know I will fail in my parenting in many ways. Isn't that better than not to have tried my best and going the direction that I know we need to go? The homeschooling path isn't for everyone, but I feel (when my kids are young) that if I sent them to a school I would be letting someone else do my job of parenting my children.

Fortunately, God's strength is made perfect in our weakness, and none of this is about ME being perfect or choosing the "right" way to school my kids or the "perfect" curricula for them. It seems to ALWAYS go back to this truth. From the struggle of doing the dishes to parenting to everything else in my life, it's not about me doing anything correctly... it's about not being enough and Jesus being enough through me. It's about His grace in my life giving me the ability to do what I can't do on my own.

As I look at the teachers manual for Lily's reading program and start to feel overwhelmed, I need to remember where my strength comes from and just do that first days work with her... I don't have to worry about the last lesson, or even next weeks school work. No, just today's and dive in. Taking that step of faith in believing that God will give me the strength to get to the end. Even when I don't feel like I have that amount of strength today... but.. I don't have to worry about tomorrow, do I...

I guess the main thing that I'm thinking of right now is just what God has been impressing on me lately. It's not about the "best" method of schooling or the "best" parenting techniques or rules or anything of that sort. It's being WITH my kids! I don't just mean physically.. because I'm physically with them all the time. But... available and paying attention to them right away. Choosing to homeschool doesn't necessarily make me do that though.

You can make up rules and force your kids to obey (when they're young.. theoretically) ;] BUT you can't change their hearts.. you can't MAKE them love you or do what is right when they are grown up.

You could make up a rule about not watching TV (for instance) but that doesn't necessarily mean that your family will do more together and love each other more deeply.

Last night, right after Youssef brought the girls in from swimming in the pool here at our apartment complex, we did a "movie night" and watched "the Princess Bride" projected on the wall while eating dinner. It was a fun time together of talking to the girls and enjoying each other. Someone could make me feel guilty or make me feel like a bad parent because I let my kids watch cartoons and movies .. "is the TV a babysitter?" "Don't you think they watch too much?" Perhaps they do watch more than they should, but is the answer to ban the TV? Should we create more laws to follow or better punishments to implement? That might MAKE them obey, but as I said before.. the laws won't change their hearts. The LAWS won't bring us closer as a family. Contracts don't improve relationships. Those things only control behavior, and my goal for my own life and my childrens is to know God. It is NOT to be good pharisees and law keepers.

Jesus said, "If you love me, keep my commandments..." It starts with the relationship and THEN obedience happens. Keeping laws does not grow love.. but loving someone makes us want to obey them. Later in John He says "A new commandment I give to you, to love one another as I have loved you." He gave his life for us, so are we to give our lives to our children??? ... Yes.


That is what I've been struggling with. I don't feel like God is calling me to just homeschool or to make up a better way to discipline my children... I feel like He is impressing on me the need to give my life to my children. The every-day all-the-time of my life. Somehow that doesn't jive with being on Facebook overly much and spending tons of time on my own projects. It doesn't fit with putting the house work or organizing as the first priority. To continually tell them to "wait" for something that they ask for just because I don't want to stop what I'm doing. Deciding to homeschool won't automatically teach me to be unselfish. Picking the best curricula won't be the means to give my children the "perfect" education. Choosing to have or not have a TV won't automatically bring us closer as a family or protect our children from the world.

So, rather than spend more time looking for the better thing or the "trick" in raising and teaching my children I need to just focus on them. No matter what method of schooling or parenting I decide on, developing a relationship with them is the point - loving them, spending time with them, listening, and being available to them.

And now, as I reach the end of this... is it more important for me to read this whole blog post and re-write it to improve it? Or should I just finish so I can help my girls with their projects?

... I'm going to choose the later.

The Failure's and Success of Maintenance

Let me just start by admitting something (if I haven't before) I'm a pretty terrible housekeeper. I often laugh when people think that I'm a great example of a homemaker. Well, sure.. I'm home.. and I'm creative and I can sew and all that, but I'm NOT good at keeping up with things. My natural bent is to do things all in one go. I won't really clean the house for several months, but I'd do a giant "Spring Cleaning" and re-organizing thing in the space of a few days. Totally wear myself out in the process of course so that I would be too tired to keep it looking good and the viscous cycle would continue.

So, more specifically... a year ago (and before then) the dishes would generally stay in the sink and counter and table for more than a day or two. Making meals was always frustrating because dishes were in the way or I'd have to wash something by hand because I needed it.

Laundry was always a giant mountain to climb as well. I'd wait till the laundry basket was overflowing beyond measure and then dump it all on the floor to put into the piles and proceed to try and get all those piles washed and dried in one day. When each load was dry I'd dump them on the couch to be folded while I watched a show or something. If I ever got around to actually folding the clothes (which could take one day or much longer) I'd often just leave the folded stacks in the basket and they'd all get unfolded when people would look for their clothes or when one of the girls would dump them all out so they could play in the basket.

Those were probably the two most majorly constant things that I was always dealing with. I got a DVD course in organizing last year that really helped me view all of this differently.

You see, I'd read many other books over the years about organizing and schedules and so forth, but I always got the feeling from them that the goal was to be organized. To be organized is not the goal. The reason it's important to organize our homes and schedules is to Simplify our lives! That's what I needed. I didn't need more ways to learn how to make my house "guest ready" I needed techniques to make my home run smoothly so that my life would be simple. I also needed to be taught these things in a grace filled way so that I wouldn't be operating out of guilt. I want to spend time with my kids and do my own projects and homeschool... I do NOT want to spend all of my day picking up after everyone in the family and doing dishes and essentially doing the same thing over and over again. Like walking up a slippery slope where it's impossible to get to the top or move forward.

My natural bent is to try to take on everything all at once. Which, of course, is gearing up for more failure city! I've been struggling with consistency and feel like I will always struggle with this for the rest of my life... but.. I'm hoping it will get easier at least. Starting the dishwasher at night with a cleaned up kitchen and emptying it in the morning has been my goal (little harder with a new baby and two older kids of course, but the goal is still there.. just not always met at the same time of the day.)

Getting rid of things is really important. Giving everything a place is vital (forcing myself to DECIDE where their place is!) Learning to see "clutter areas" and clean up to the point where 2/3s of the counters at least are cleared of stuff is super helpful too.

Right, but that is just mainly the kitchen (the first stage of this process) .. there's still the other big one (for me) the laundry *DUnt dunt DUUUNNNN!* I now do a load or so a day rather than doing it all in one go. It is amazingly easier to get that much washed and dried in one day (yeah, it usually takes me the whole day pretty much to get it through the cycles) and I no longer fold on the couch. I take it to my bedroom so I can put my folded clothes away as I fold them. I then only have the stacks of the girls clothes or towels or something and EVERY TIME I have to bite the bullet (it feels like) to do that final step of putting away stuff. If you think about it though it really doesn't take that long! It always took a long time before, but that was because I was trying to wash everything from about a week and a half and fold and put away it all in one day. Doing the smaller steps really does make my life more simple

And simple is the key, remember?

I'm still not actually "cleaning" though if you've noticed. Dishes and laundry and picking up isn't actually vacuuming or cleaning the toilets or washing mirrors. I have some ideas for a weekly schedule of cleaning up.

I haven't been able to implement it really since I'm focusing on working into the girls school times, but I'll post my idea here in case someone in blogdum is helped by it.

Schedules give me hives. Well, no.. not hives.. but perhaps pretty close to a panic attack. If I start reading about someone talking about their daily or weekly "schedule" I often stop reading. It's just SO overwhelming to read each cleaning task. -- clean the toilet, clean the bathtub, clean the mirrors, dust the furniture, vacuum the furniture, vacuum the stairs, sweep the floor, mop the floor.. etc ect. -- Um. No.

I started to do a schedule like that and all it did was stress me out to think or look at it and then I did LESS cleaning as a result.. which brought on some feelings of guilt or failure or at the very least annoyance at my dirty house, and often more times of eating chocolate or escaping onto facebook so I didn't have to see or think about the fail.

When I was watching some webinars on a homeschool site last week I got some good advice about meal planning (another thing that I've tried to do and struggle with.) She said that she had a schedule that went like this --
a chicken dish on Monday,
a pasta dish on Tuesday,
a soup or casserole on Wednesday,
a beef dish on Thursday,
and homemade pizza on Friday.

This felt revolutionary to me! It's scheduled, but NOT as detailed! I could choose at the time what sort of chicken dish to make on Monday, but it took a lot of the planning out of choosing from "anything"... I mean, there are only so many chicken dishes, right? Plus, I'm then free on Monday to pick something easy (with chicken) or something more time consuming and gourmet (with chicken) depending on how much time I have or how I feel.

Right, so what does this have to do with real cleaning? I'm going to do a "room each day" during the week. THAT way, I'll feel free to do as little or as much cleaning as I want to do on that day! There really are days when I get going cleaning up or doing something and see more to do and it's then easy do it. Other days I might be more tired or the kids might be more needy and just picking up the clutter and wiping down one counter will be all I can take.

So, that's the plan. I'm still struggling a LOT with all of this, but if there's as much improvement from now till next year as there was this past year we'll be doing well, and our lives will continue to become more simple.

Some final thoughts on what I've learned -

-You might get ideas from books and other people, and it's good to study and work to learn more and grow, but be prepared to keep changing stuff till you find what really does work for you.

-Keep the goal of SIMPLE in your head when you organize your house and schedule.

-Look at problem areas like a detective and find where the problem is and what you can do to correct it. The laundry basket sorter that I bought, for example, has put the success in the laundry situation.. other things to consider might be if you need to buy a bookshelf or if you need to move the table from one place to another to help things move more efficiently and simply. Baskets or other ways to organize are also really helpful.

-Organization is a lifestyle. You will never be "done organizing" BUT remember that it is EASIER to live in organization than disorder. If it feels harder, then you need to back up a bit to develop the most important (to you) habits and/or look for that thing to make it easier (like my laundry sorter example) to make that difficult thing simple.


My next post will be about managing toys and the kids room! *Dunt dunt DUDUUUUN!!!*

That is another HUGE issue in our house. And.. Lily thinks we need more toys. Um.. no.. please please PLEASE if you (or anyone you know) are planning or thinking or even have an inkling of giving my kids more toys, just.. don't. Project things are good.. art stuff.. books. NOT more TOYS!

Well,after MUCH trial and error in regards to managing the toys.. I think I've actually come up with something that will work. Stay tuned. ;]

Now.. if I could manage to be asleep no later than 10:30 I think I might actually be able to make these plans work.


In closing, I'd like to mention something that I alluded to earlier.
The point of organizing and maintaining is to simplify so we can focus on WHO is most important in our lives. I just read this article and it ended with this--

Duties are pressing upon me,
And the time for work is brief,
What if with purblind vision,
I neglect the very chief?

What if I do with ardor
What a thousand could maybe,
And leave undone forever
What was meant for only me?

No one else named “Mom” lives in our homes and holds our children’s hearts and lives like we do. Let’s not miss our greatest ministry!

Homeschool-preschool projects

The project? Pipe-cleaner-poofy-ball-alien-monsters. I was thinking about what the girls actually "learned" with this. I mean.. to be called home-"school" they have to have learned something right? My girls are 5 and 3 (and one month, but she was sleeping) and they learned some new motor skills for one thing, to wait their turn as I was using the hot glue when they told me where they wanted something glued, and they used their imaginations! (oh, and of course you can talk about colors and shapes and count things. We also listened to and sang with a Psalty cd while working together.)
Lily took hers with her this afternoon so I didn't get a picture of it, but the big weird one is the one I did while helping the girls (to show them some ideas on how they could use their imaginations! .. not that *I* was having fun with it.) ;] Renna's (my 3 year old) made the little one in the back on the right.
here's a top/back view of them just to give some perspective and ideas of random ways to attach things to your "alien"
This is what I used. I got the pipecleaners with all different poof balls AND google eyes all in one package at Michels for only $5.. thought that was pretty good for how much there was. I did try to use Elmer's glue, but I've always HATED using that! As a kid it totally annoyed me that I had to wait forever for the glue to dry and when it did it didn't even look good and it was always messy and ruined the fuzzyness of fuzzy things. So, I opted to be the gluer and the girls took turns asking me to glue things to their monster. Saved us a lot of frustration and mess for everyone.
And these are the shapes we used. I showed the girls how to hold the pipecleaner with the pencil (together in their left hand) while wrapping the pipe cleaner around the object with their right hand (since they are both right-handed.) Lily (my 5 year old) was able to do them very neatly and was able to do a spiral as well. Renna made a good attempt at the shapes and we used those too! The pink in the picture is a spring that I flattened out (the spiral and flat-spring are great for "feet" or a base of sorts for the big poofs.)

Postpartum

For the untrained eye this picture might look like a weird yawn or a cry, but no. This is a picture that I captured from a video where she gave a HUGE smile. She smiled at me for the first time on Mother's day (the best gift she could have given me!) and now these huge open-mouthed smiles are showered on us every morning and often when she wakes from naps! Babies learn facial expressions from their parents, so if you want a happy baby, just act happy around them as much as possible. Even if you don't *feel* happy, smile a lot at your baby and the little (or big) smiles you get back will make your day. :}
Every morning (and a few times throughout the day when Grace is awake from her naps) Renna asks, "Can I hode her? Can I can I PweeeeeaSthe?" and while she holds her, she will often say over and over again, "I like my sister."

I've been thinking for a few weeks now (she is 5 weeks old) how amazing it is that I've forgotten so much of the birth. THAT is why I write it down so soon after each baby is born! Very quickly after each birth, all the memories of how intense it all was and stuff pretty much go out the window. With my first baby there was one short point where the labor was so hard that I very seriously thought that I'd never have another.. I had NO idea why anyone would go through all that and actually choose to have another baby! I really get it now though.. it doesn't take long to be so in love with your new baby that anything you went through to bring her (or him as the case my be) into the world is worth it.
It's very easy to forget all that when I get to look at this sweet little sleeping face and snuggle her as much as I want to. I do try to lay her down for naps so she won't be too used to being held all the time (so that she doesn't *need* it to stay asleep), but I think there's a good balance too, and it's nice to be able to hold her while she sleeps. To enjoy the peace and snuggles... Babies stay this little for such a short time it's important to enjoy it as much as possible while it lasts. :}

Grace had the hardest time learning to nurse of any of them though.. the first few weeks were pretty painful and I understood why many women give up on nursing. The problem for us was just that she wouldn't open her mouth wide enough (still doesn't) which made latching difficult and I had to nurse through a few sores. I got an infection as well since she wasn't nursing enough to empty the ducts (I had a bit too much milk and a breast pump became invaluable to fix lots of issues.) So, the first few weeks were hard and I couldn't sleep while nursing because it was just too painful and I had to pay really close attention to how she latched on to get her to do it right. It IS worth it though!!! Really, by three weeks I was able to nurse her on my side while sleeping. You can't do that with a bottle. Also, because I could feed her right when she started to move at night she never woke up enough to cry and learned to stay asleep. She's been consistently sleeping for a good four hour stretch at night and then a few two hour stretches more with nursing in between. The daddy very rarely wakes up to a crying baby and the mommy get's to sleep more each night with this plan. I love the bassinet that attaches to our bed because I don't even need to get up to get her from her bed or put her back after she's eaten. We've been going through the Star trek "Voyager" series from the library during the times of resting and nursing. Lily loves the star treks with the "lady captain" better than any others and made a little star ship all on her own by cutting a green straw and pushing it onto the ends of a plastic leaf that was an attachment to a Strawberry shortcake toy.

I was thinking yesterday what our family life looks like just after one month with the newest member. It takes a little ingenuity on my part to manage all three, just as it took some getting used to with two. In some ways it's been easier to go from two to three than from one to two. I think it's because I'd already come up with some systems to balance more than one. For instance, going grocery shopping yesterday (when I took them all by myself and was out for two hours with no major issues!) looked like this. We drive the 5 minutes to the store and Grace is acting hungry. Before trying to get the girls out, I get Grace and give her a quick nursing in the front seat of the car (probably 7 minutes or something).. not a big deal.. my girls chat with me (note, I brought snacks for the older ones and went in the morning when I knew they'd be the easiest to deal with.) After feeding Grace, I wear her in the Maya Wrap that I have and let her suck on her binky. I don't really like wearing her in the wrap because it's a bit hard on my back, but when I get it adjusted just right it's not too bad and it's SO nice in the store to have her right there and quiet and falling asleep (instead of a giant heavy carseat that I'd have to juggle along with trying to juggle the other two) Since I have Grace with me, I can put Renna in the cart and Lily is old enough to walk beside me (if I ever have both older girls walking they tend to get a little crazy.. so.. having one contained is quite helpful.) Doing things that way makes it almost like how it was when I was pregnant. We go through the store to get all our stuff and the girls ask questions about the fruits and talk about the colors of things and they always want to see the princess cakes and so forth. It turns into quite the event for them! And Grace is happy because she's right next to me being held the whole time and listening to me talk to the girls. Works great!This is a picture of Lily and Renna having a sword fight with rolled up place mat settings. I was laughing the other day because I realized how nice it was to have three kids because if two are fighting there's one that is NOT fighting! Youssef didn't quite understand why that made me feel better, but it did! It's called "mommy math" .. you see, now when Lily and Renna fight (for real, not for fun like this picture shows) it's no longer 100% of the children fighting! It's only 75%.. for some reason that makes me feel better. ;]

So, I got to thinking yesterday about how Grace has fit into our family. It's different of course, and in some ways a bit harder to manage three. I like to think of it more in terms of needing extra creativity on my part to figure out how to manage things rather than just looking at it as a "problem" or harder or something. Really, keeping things flowing well in the house and family takes a lot of ingenuity and constant re-balancing. Sometimes it's getting rid of stuff or re-organizing or looking at a problem (like laundry or books or toys on the floor) and buying something (like a bookshelf or laundry basket) to make things flow well and with less work. Having kids is a lot of work and I often feel like I can't make it, but the ingenuity is worth the work when those shopping trips turn out well and the family dynamics mesh well together. The biggest thing that I'm constantly reminding myself in everything that I try to do, is that I am really not enough. I'm not strong enough or patient enough to make it through each day, but God's strength is made perfect in our weakness. My newest baby's name reminds me of the grace that I need every day. She has added so much to our lives just be showing up... like a gift that you didn't know how much you needed.

(First family portrait.) ;]

Transitions and a new beginning..

I'm going to start this post with a warning. This is a birth story. If you are the kind of person that doesn't want too much information than don't read this. Okay, you have been warned. ;]


To accurately tell the birth story of my little Grace, I need to start at the beginning of April.

The last two weeks (at least) of March were a flurry of me getting ready for her birth and doing the final nesting things with pre-labor building the whole time on and off.

April 1st I had my little joke on Facebook about us having a boy and got some VERY needed laughs. Well, that night at 1 in the morning I woke up to contractions that were around 10 minutes apart... and they'd been going like that even before I fell asleep. We called the midwife and she came right away with the other midwife that she trades off assisting with. And they immediately started preparing things. Well, when RoseMarie checked me I was only at a 1 and only 50% effaced. NOT far enough along for them to stay, so they left and we went back to sleep. Contractions kept going though and when I woke up in the morning Grace gave a mighty punch and knocked the mucus plug out. This is generally a "first stage labor" type of thing and we all knew that with my other two I dilated slowly at first and went fast at the end, so.. maybe she'd come that night?

... the next night?

................. umm.. the next night?

........................... okay, maybe the night after that?

a WEEK later after contracting on and off (mostly on) pretty good and still losing more bloody mucus each day (mainly after the harder contractions) I had a night with the contractions about 4 minutes apart. The WHOLE night while I tried to sleep. When I woke up in the morning I was more tired than I'd ever been in my entire life and utterly depressed. With my other two the baby broke my water and 12 hours later were born. Grace had been banging inside of me as hard as she could (which hurt) for the whole week and it was pretty clear she wasn't going to be able to break the water (the punches felt just like how Lily and Renna punched when they broke the water, but there was no "pop" following that sharp punch.) I wondered if my body just didn't know how to labor as efficiently without the water broken? I had dreams of putting the girls in the car and driving up to my Mom and Sister-in-law in Washington. Feeling misunderstood by the midwife and alone... and overwhelmed by trying to be a mother to the two that I already had while needing to focus on the next one coming. I felt pressure to have her soon too because Youssef's schedule was so on and off with the odd jobs and hours that he had to do being unemployed and (essentially) working harder than he would if he had a full time job. I felt awful for keeping him from his classes because I needed him to watch the girls so I could rest. Youssef's mom told us she was coming for a visit the next week (a week before my due date) and I felt more pressure to have the baby before she came. I felt like I was going to crack.. emotionally-- and I knew how much emotions play a part in birth. Being depressed and tired can mess up good labor, but.. I couldn't seem to get it together.

So, this was all a week after the midwives came the first time. I talked to RoseMarie on the phone and she suggested castor oil. I was so depressed that anything that sounded like a little hope seemed like a good thing (I'd already taken Raspberry leaf tea and that seemed to encourage contractions pretty good.) Well.. the castor oil was a good idea in theory, but I think I was already so dehydrated from the entire night of contracting while trying to sleep that by the time the oil kicked in (it's a laxative) it just made me more dehydrated and actually knocked out the good contractions that I was having. I drink copious amounts of water while I'm laboring, so it makes sense that being dehydrated (for me) would cause things to go down hill.

Actually though, I was kind of relieved. The effects of the castor oil weren't nearly as bad as I've experienced with having too much corn (for instance) since my body has rejected a lot of corn like food poisoning in the past... And it was a relief after so much labor to have nothing. It felt like Grace had given up (for the most part) on trying to get out too and was just waiting.

All the next week the contractions were back down to the "false labor" feeling kind that I'd had the end of March. This was a great improvement and I finally got some rest and wrote out encouraging things to tell myself (like being my own doula) so that if I got too exhausted again or started to get depressed I could remind myself of the truth and trust God with all of this.

This is what I wrote
--------------

-I'm not broken
-God made me perfectly and he doesn't make mistakes
-I'm not alone, even if I feel alone I know I'm not alone because He will never leave me
-I am in this place for a reason, even if it feels hard now and I don't understand what will happen I know I can trust Him with the future and the present.
-No labor is useless. Even if it feels like I'm not getting anywhere all of this is important and useful.
-the hardest part is right before the new beginning. I will get to hold my baby soon.
-God has always taken care of us and He will take care of Grace and me and our family no matter how or when she comes.
-I can't plan out or try to figure out how it will all work, but I don't need to, because I trust God with it all.

----- and I sang this song a lot----

"It's all about You, Jesus. And all this is for You. For Your glory and Your fame. It's not about me, as if you should do things my way. You alone are God and I surrender to your ways. Jesus, lover of my soul. All consuming fire is in Your gaze. Jesus, I want You to know, I will follow You all my days. For no one else in history is like You. History itself belongs to You. Alpha and Omega you have loved me and I will spend eternity with You--- It's all about You, Jesus. And all this is for You. For Your glory and Your fame. It's not about me, as if you should do things my way. You alone are God and I surrender to your ways...."
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During this week, it felt as if Grace had given up trying to be born. She no longer punched like she was trying to get out, but she did start scratching low down against the membrane sack as if she could dig her way out (also, not comfortable!) When the midwife checked me at that wednesday appointment she said I was at 2 cm and that Grace's head was engaged and in a great position. There was so much gearing up and all that I'm pretty sure my midwife was thinking "any time" just like we were! We did talk about breaking my water though as an option. She never did that before a due date, but was willing to consider it since my mother-in-law was coming that Saturday and everything. I told her that the Raspberry leaf tea seemed to get things going pretty good so she told me to take raspberry leaf capsules. 12 every two hours for two days and on the third day don't take any and the baby should come. Well, I did and the third day was the 15th.. the day before Youssef's mom was going to fly in. The contractions were going well and RoseMarie was planning on coming that late afternoon to check me and maybe break the water. I don't know that I really wanted the water broken, but I really did appreciate that she'd consider it.. somehow it made me feel more understood. Well, as it turned out, RoseMarie's daughter in law was in a car accident and she had to go get her and couldn't come after all (everyone was fine btw)... the contractions felt like they switched over though and were coming more regularly and steady, and almost felt like they weren't going away, but just peaking. I was super tired by this time though and left with the same choice as the week before... should I stay awake and drink water and so on or should I try to go to sleep? I chose the sleep, got dehydrated again since I couldn't drink water while sleeping.. and the contractions dwindled again. BUT my midwife had promised to come on Saturday and I did some exercises and got them going again so that she could break the water if she thought the baby was in a good position. Then she was an hour later because of another thing that came up. Well, by then I was VERY tired AGAIN. (The vicious cycle kept going!) And I laid down for a bit before she showed up. Well, while I was laying on my side Grace moved up out of my pelvis (out of that great birthing position that she'd been in) and by the time the midwife checked me I was at a "loose 2 cm" which was a tiny bit of an improvement.. there was no way she could break the water because the baby was now too high. If she broke it at that point the cord could go under the baby's head and that would be dangerous for birth.

She talked about trying again on Sunday, and I really appreciated her willingness to try and make that happen, but I just came to the conclusion that it wasn't God's timing yet. The main reasons that I'd wanted the water broken the week before weren't there anymore (the biggest one being how much labor I was in the week before and how obvious it was that Grace was trying to break it herself.) Now the only reasons left weren't to do with me or Grace, but because that's what Youssef and his Mom would have liked. I decided to change gears and stop worrying about when Grace would come (a lot of what I HAD been worried about was when my water would break since I'm understandably a little paranoid after it broke with my first baby while we were in Barnes & Noble and I hadn't had any contractions AT ALL before that happened.) My midwife told me though that because I'm so much healthier this pregnancy it makes sense that the baby won't be able to break the water because the sack would be thicker.

SO, after I changed my thinking a bit and stopped fretting or feeling like I was disappointing people, I really enjoyed my mother-in-laws visit. The girls were much happier with someone to play games with and Youssef was encouraged with the support of his mom here. I was happier because everyone's emotions weren't strained (or bored) like they had been the previous two weeks, and we just enjoyed the time! She flew out on Wednesday the 20th.

The contractions never really stopped every day you must understand. I was getting good at ignoring them though and nothing felt as strong as those two other times (all three times were Friday nights) when they were more regular and intense and I thought they could be "real"... so.. last night (Thursday the 21st) and well.. all that afternoon too... there wasn't anything too unusual about the contractions that I was feeling and seeing more bloody mucus because of all that had been going on for the past three weeks. During a few contractions that afternoon I felt Grace moving lower into my pelvis again, but that had happened before too and didn't necessarily mean much. I felt more uncomfortable in general with the usual pregnancy loose hips and tweaked lower back and legs and not being able to walk without waddling because my ligaments were so stretched, but that's pretty normal too at the end. Nearer to bedtime though my low back was cramping more with the contractions (which .. again, had happened before) and while Youssef and I watched a Star Trek Voyager he rubbed my low back. I was noticing that the contractions seemed to be close-ish together. After the show I wondered if we should just try to go to sleep or if I should try to take a bath and relax. I was tired, but taking a bath would conserve energy if they were real and if they weren't real then they'd just quit and we could go to sleep.

I got into our tub around 11 pm and the heat felt SO good on my muscles! The bath tub wasn't quite deep enough but it sufficed, and we watched two more voyagers like that. During the second show I was pretty convinced that the contractions weren't going away and they were getting harder, but I didn't know how long it would be. I'd cried wolf so often this last month that I didn't know if I should ask the midwife to come right then or if I should have her come later. I didn't want her to have to wait around for hours, right? Well, once I started "oooohing" with the contractions Youssef called the midwife again and said it was the real deal. Still, they weren't sure how long it would be and she just told him to time the contractions. I was in transition at that point and was barely able to keep myself from leaping out of the tub or doing anything rash. It was really hard to force myself to relax and let go to just let the contractions do the job. I was barely able to tell Youssef when a contraction would start before it peaked and I couldn't talk through it. The back labor was really what was so hard. Having that be my first cue that a contraction was starting. By the time my uterus caught up with my back it already hurt a lot (I had back labor with Lily as well, in comparison with Renna's and NO back labor I have to say how stinking easy it was laboring with Renna!) By the time we hit the third Voyager show I just broke it to Youssef and told him that I was in transition. I kept telling myself how it was good and how she was coming soon and to relax. I had no idea how that third show ended and when I saw it this morning it was weird how I'd remember watching a few minutes and then the next few minutes of the show would be a total blank (which were the times when I was contracting of course.) It was a little strange to realize in retrospect how totally out of it I was at that point.

It must have been about 2 in the morning when Youssef told the midwife to come as soon as possible, and right about then when I was probably at a 10. I suddenly couldn't lay still and felt the need to be on my knees or squatting or just SOME other position than laying down. The bath wasn't cutting it anymore and Youssef was suddenly trying to be two people at once while he pumped up the birthing pool and filled it while running to me every time I called "back"... which he knew meant I needed him to push on my lower back. I felt like pushing a few times, but just like with the other girls it wasn't overwhelming and I was afraid of pushing because I didn't know how much I'd dilated... after all.. I was only a 2 before 11pm for all I knew at it was only just after 2 in the morning! So, three hours I dilated 8 more cm?

I did poo at that point and could tell the difference between that and the baby coming out (which is a good thing to know so that the baby doesn't end up in the toilet and the poo does.) Note, my water STILL had not broken yet! For the most part during this last half hour I was on my hands and knees while Youssef pushed on my back as I waited to get into the tub. I kept thanking him for helping me because I felt like I'd have flown apart if he wasn't there to push on my back and support me. I was "ooooohing" and shaking and kept wishing the midwife would get here so I could know if it was all right to push or not. I pushed just slightly during the contractions a few times just to relieve the pressure. The birthing pool had just enough water in it for me to get in while it filled up. It felt SO much better to be in the water again even though it wasn't full. After one or two contractions Renna came in asking cheerfully what we were doing. Fortunately, I was in between contractions and was able to speak and told her that the baby was going to come and I was working really hard so the baby could come out and she could sit on the bed and watch. The contractions suddenly sped up again and Youssef had to be behind me to push on my back again. I didn't feel an overwhelming need to push. I felt more like I wanted to push to just end the back-labor contractions! Seriously, "fast labors" do not equal "easy labors" it was insanely intense. I pushed a bit and felt a pop (finally the water had broken) and I told Youssef that it broke, almost immediately after that with about two contractions later and some crazy pushing with me feeling like I'm *this* close again to totally freaking out, I felt her head getting really close to being totally out. With both of the other girls there was definitely more of a sensation of them "coming down" and backing up. With Grace .. there was no "two steps back" ... I made a bit more noise at this point with the oooohing and practically crying as she flew out. Youssef was whispering encouraging things to me the whole time he was behind me pushing on my back.. I don't really remember what he said, but his voice was very comforting. Youssef's phone rang (midwife calling to be let into the gate of our apartments) right about when her head was out and it just took a little bit to get the rest of her free.

He was still behind me pushing on my back and I saw her wiggle-swimming in the water just before I scooped her up and put her on my belly. She didn't cry. Which made me a little nervous since my other girls cried right away. The cord wasn't around her neck either like both my other girls had (I checked that right away of course.) I kept asking her if she was breathing and if she was okay, she barely cried just twice before the midwife came in. Lily woke up and came into our room just after I'd picked up Grace.

Ahhh.. the relief! Going (probably) from 2 cm to the baby born in less than four hours was insane... and for those of you who haven't had kids yet, I should tell you that is NOT normal. I don't have very "normal" labors. Which is a really good reason why it's good that I do the homebirth/midwife thing.

My original reasons were mainly because I abhor hospitals and doctors in general unless there's a dire need for them (like.. I break my arm, or something goes wrong and I need a C-section).. in retrospect I know that for how I labor (and my personality) it's REALLY helpful for me to be at home. Just taking this birth for example with me dilating slowly at first and fast at the end (as with all three actually just not quite THIS extreme) a hospital would be more likely to want to make my labor and dilation match a text book and give me pit. to speed things up. Frankly, I can't imagine how woman can handle that without drugs. I haven't had it before, but I do know it makes labor harder and more intense and from what I've gone through I can NOT imagine being able to handle the contractions being even HARDER than natural ones (that are naturally pretty intense)... In my opinion these women deserve a medal. I'm thinking of some friends of mine who had to deliver in the hospital and be subjected to the procedures and things that made everything more painful... they had to do it though to keep their baby safe. Those women, right there need to be applauded. For the woman that do the hospital thing and it ending up hurting them more in the long run (by being so numb that they hurt themselves from pushing and have weeks of recovery time from all the tearing or having unnecessary C-sections brought on my impatient doctors with a "time limit" on how long a woman can push or whatever) I'm usually just really sad for them that they can't find an easier way.

I've heard some women say how "empowering" natural birth is. I never felt "empowered" personally (though I know some friends who've felt that way.) Personally, I feel very tired afterward, but for me choosing to birth with a midwife is the best way to get the easiest births and to avoid the most pain.

I'm sure some of you might think that Grace would have been easier in a hospital, but frankly, I can't imagine trying to GO anywhere during all that! I probably would have had her in the car or at home anyway, but just not have had a midwife to come afterward (yeah, like calling 911 and having firefighters come after she was born would be gentler? Umm.. no.) My girls wouldn't have been around me to see her right away... I wouldn't have had a water birth or been under the gentle lighting of my own room.

It was all VERY intense, but I am really thankful for how it all went. The midwife said that it was good that Grace wasn't born sooner because she looked *just* on time or maybe only two days early. If Grace had of been able to break my water three weeks ago, then she would have been a premie and perhaps not as healthy. It was also good that it didn't work out for the midwife to break my water just a week before she was born because.. again.. it would have been too early. God knew what plans he had for us and I just needed to get to a place (again and again it seems) to trust Him with all of that.

Oh, right.. and to follow up on the "extras" the placenta was really big for the size of the baby! It was like a huge lily pad (only thicker.. like two inches thick).. maybe about 10 to 11 inches in diameter. Also, the water sack was super thick and strong for how little Grace was. She was just 7lbs and 20 3/4 inches long.. with 13 something inches around her head. Almost exactly what my other two were like! Oh, and I didn't tear! I thought for sure I must have because she flew out SO fast, but nope.. no tearing. So recovering is just a matter of some sore muscles (especially in my low back!) and cramps from my uterus going back down to it's normal size after being bigger than a watermelon. I also kept my record of not bleeding much afterward, which is also super nice. A little more bleeding than with the other two, but the midwife said it still wasn't much for what was "normal." So, yay!The proud Daddy getting to hold his newest daughter about an hour and a half after she was born (he held her sooner then that, but I didn't get a picture till this one.)

The next morning Lily got to hold her new sister!

Then it was Renna's turn!

Ta da! Here we are! All safe and sound and happy. Pretty worn out and doing a lot of resting, but doing very well. :}

Youssef is the MOST tired right now though since he's been doing such a great job of taking care of all his girls! I'm not supposed to go down the stairs till Sunday, so Grace and I have been hanging out in the bedroom. Sleeping when we can and eating lots. Youssef has me text him as my "bell" to ask for things.