Self-discovery

I was told recently that when I talk about problems that I struggle with or ideas that I have to help myself do things better or whatever, that it sounds like I'm not so much talking about myself but telling other people what they should do.

I didn't realize that I sounded like that. I'm sure I did that on purpose when I was younger. I think that's kind of juvenile to do that on purpose though. I remember when I was going to a public school part time in Jr High people would say things like that and they were usually really poignant and obvious that they were talking about me to my face without talking about me (like as obvious as what color shirt I'm wearing and them saying "I hate it when 'people' wear paisley shirts. Don't you think that makes them look awful?" And I'd look down and see my paisley shirt... no one said that of course, but that's how obvious it always was. I think that's a way for girls to be "nice" to each other, but I think it would probably be kinder to either not say anything or tell them directly. Youssef is nodding right now and saying that THAT is why guys are less complicated. ;) I really hate that feeling and don't want other people to feel like that on account of my talking too much, so this will be the last personal blog entry for quite a while... or ever... This last discovery though actually does have to do with other people so here it goes. (It's nothing bad about other people though of course.)


When I was at my grandma's last week I realized something from how she acts. She's really a wonderful artistic person. She's sewn all her life and is really amazing at it. She painted (oil) for a while and has these fantastic pictures. Now she's especially into quilting and for the last 14 years has won prizes for this contest at least 6 times and she didn't enter every year. I forgot to ask how many people enter the contest but it sounded like quite a lot. Anyway, when I was there I was scrapbooking and most of the time they were working on their quilting projects (my great aunt was there too). My grandma hasn't scrapbooked but, like I said, is really artistic and she does have definite opinions about things (which of course has served her well as she's won so many prizes and so forth). Anyway, she was giving me some advice about what I should do. Sometimes I'd asked her opinion and sometimes she'd just give suggestions without my asking. I was starting to feel a little sensitive though and as if I HAD to take her advice and I almost felt like putting the project away.

So, my self discovery was that I do the same thing and didn't realize how I sound to other people.

Now, I know that she was only giving ideas because what I was doing was interesting to her, and I realized that I tend to give more advice about artistic stuff when I really like what the person has already done. Sometimes I just give ideas to just give ideas, but I realized how off-putting that can sound and I had no idea I sounded like that. After the layout was pretty well done my Grandma said that she liked it and admitted that she wasn't sure about it when I started. And the thing with scrapbooking unlike some other crafts is that it really does look odd at first when you pull all these papers and random things out to figure out what you want to do, and then go to put something together. Actually, I've thought that about other peoples layouts sometimes, but the thing is that no one can tell what the person is thinking and generally the project turns out wonderfully. I really wouldn't want people to follow all my advice because then I'd never get new ideas from them! I'm always searching for new ideas too! I do like it when other people have ideas to give me, but I realized that sometimes you have to let the person have their own ideas. When I have a definite plan it just really throws me off when someone suggests a completely different route, but on the other hand if I don't know how I want to do something than any idea is really great and helpful for a jump start.

I'm sure that practically everyone who is reading this is probably thinking I'm talking about something I said to them. .. but more likely I've made ALL of my friends feel like this at one point, and I just wanted to explain and apologize and tell all of you that I'll try not to give too much advice anymore. And IF I can't help myself I want you to know that it's because whatever you are doing is really neat and my advice is my way of getting into the awesome creativity that you are encircled in. :)


The other little self discovery that I had while I was away is that I talk about EVERYTHING! I'm home by myself with the girls so much that when I was around other adults I realized that I was saying absolutely everything that came into my head (pretty much) even if it really had no relevance to anyone else. Random, dumb things even like "Huh, I need to cut my fingernails." I interrupt terribly too and when it's not even about anything interesting.. I realized how off-putting that is for other people too. So.. combine all that I've already said in this post with my being somewhat shy around new people and there you have why I don't have many good friends in Spokane, and we've lived here for four years. I know it's my own fault and at least now with the "self-discovery" that I've had I can hopefully get better. Youssef is so patient with me that he hardly ever tells me how terrible I come across. He's so helpful too that I'm really spoiled and tell him to do things too much. Although I've been telling him to sit down lately because he'll be running around the house picking toys up or doing dishes (I'm usually nursing or reading to the kids or something while he does that)... and.. I'd like him to just sit with us. The house really CAN wait, but like I've said in some other post before, I need to also get better at keeping up with the house so he can feel like he can rest.

I'd better stop rambling. I'm really paranoid now that who ever reads this will think I'm talking about them and not just my own failings and then will be mad at me. I'm kind of sad... I've probably always been offending people and never knew it. Maybe I should take a vow of silence? hmm.. like that would work. ;)

Now that I read back over this I'm more paranoid that something that I've said will be offensive in some way and that I should have just not said anything about my problems... well.. I'll post this and then after Youssef reads it I'll delete it later...