Recently I came upon a website about Waldorf homeschooling that had some fabulous articles on temperaments in relation to being a homeschooling Mom. Now if you are like me and have taken those sorts of tests before, you've probably read how they relate them to the different personalities in a work place environment, but if you are a stay at home Mom like me then those scenarios helped you not at all. But the articles I found this time actually were helpful to where I am! The only part that wasn't helpful was that I seemed to fit three out of the four quite well. This annoyed me because I've always had a really hard time finding a temperament or personality test that described me. The tests never seemed to "work" no matter how honestly I'd try to answer the questions. But, more about that later. Lets first look at some snippets from the four temperaments. You can read the full articles at the links. I just copied the parts that especially resonated with me.
I don't know if this is just me or if this is a Supine (the fifth temperament) tendency, but I'm not the best listener. Needing the comfort and sleep and rest and slower pace and not being naturally good at planning I really feel, but a Supine will tend to be more chatty when they feel comfortable. Supines are introverted but respond like an extrovert (hence the need for slower and comfort yet being busy and chatty like a Sanguine), but more on this later.
I can see a lot of that in myself in recent years. But when I've been a happy Supine I've acted more like a Sanguine, chatty and excited about what I'm doing: Very busy with projects and moderately busy with friends (I've always been the sort to rearrange my furniture a LOT and she mentions that as a tendency of the Sanguine temperament.) The worrying like a Melancholy has come in more now that I'm away from my support system and comfort zone. True Sanguines will like to travel and meet new people, but a Supine is naturally too shy and fearful of rejection to initiate meeting new people and really enjoying traveling. Supines can lack confidence in their final decision making process which naturally effects being a homeschooling teacher, but more on that later.
I feel like what she described above with the projects and taking things one bite at a time is what I used to work well at and have gotten out of the habit of doing. I feel like I need to ADD more projects into my life (my own projects!) to be a happy Supine. Supines need an equal balance of tasks and people. I really really miss crafting days with a group (or just a couple) friends because I feel like I can be a better listener and less shy when I'm doing some crafty project and keeping my hands busy. I don't find it hard to stay focused on one project at a time, but if it's a long term project or activity it's harder for me to stick with it if I'm not really interested in doing it. It's so much easier if I can see an end in sight! While it's easier for me to set goals for myself and stick with something till it's done it's much harder for me to be the boss with my kids and get them to do their school work each day. Perhaps if I only had one this might be easier, but when one pops up to go get something while we are doing our reading and then another one gets up to go get something else and I have to keep herding them back toward whatever we are supposed to be doing.. well.. it's just discouraging. While I share many traits with a Sanguine, and while I CAN multitask, I really don't like to. I really do want peace and order and need to "be the boss," but what stops me from setting a stricter schedule or routine with my kids is because I don't want to be too tied down to the plan. Whenever I make a list of to-dos, I generally will do much MORE than my list, but not actually anything that I put on the list. I'll get the hankering to do some other major cleaning project, but the "to do" list that I made just feels to ridged and I end up hating it. I'm trying to create a rhythm type routine for our days. But more on that in another post.
As you work through stepping aside and letting your child unfold, start with things that are easy…
1. Let them help you bake, clean and anything else that you
tend to just DO because it is quicker, cleaner and you are just plain
better at it.
2. Consciously realize that you need to let them DO. Make it part of your morning prayer work.
3. Take the time to really understand your children. As
cholerics, it is really easy for us to just expect that everyone conform
to us. That is not realistic or logical. We are all different. Take
time to realize that you will have to talk differently to them than you
would someone that works for you. They are not the hired help. They
are unfolding little beings that can’t read your mind Mrs. Bossy Pants
no matter how badly you want them to!
When planning your lessons Mrs. Bossy Pants… keep in mind that you can’t cram water into a jug with a lid. Remind yourself that these beings are not sponges or vessels to fill up. They have all this within them… they just have to remember it. Can you remember something if someone is yelling at you? Likely not, LOL… take your time. The process is just as important… if not MORE important than the product. Such a struggle for you since it is in your nature to focus on the product. Start looking at the process as the product and that will help.So what now? Well your school year is probably all planned so get out of here! Get up and go have some fun with those kids! Let them spray you with the hose or make mud pies or go to the water park or make cupcakes together (let them control the flour!)
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The advice to the choleric that I quoted was just really good advice to everyone. I actually more naturally do those things that she advised them to work on. I didn't see much of myself in the choleric temperament over all. I can (however) turn into one when I'm feeling "backed against a wall".. if you follow the link on the Phlegmatic quote she talks about that and how the phlegmatic is described as a "sleeping choleric." We all have aspects of each temperament in us and the whole point of this post is to help us all find balance. Where are you weak? Where are your strong points? If you can identify them then you can learn to grow into a healthier place. And for the Phlegmatic type they can learn how to take measures to ensure that they don't get backed into that wall.
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This
is a lot of information to absorb I know, but I think it's really
important to understand our own temperament so that we can grow into a
more balanced place. This is especially true for a Supine that finds it
so difficult to express what they need. Also, it's important to know
how to be the best YOU there is. God made you specifically and gave you
your children and family, why would he then ask you to be someone you
are not? If you are a strong Phlegmatic and crave comfort and a slower
pace then embrace that. Don't try to be busier just because that's what
our culture expects. Also, I'm learning that it's not only really
important to study our children and see how they learn we also need to
be in tune with how we teach the best. A freer style might be best for
one person and a more classic style might be best for another Mom. Look
at what you naturally do and learn to connect that to your child.
Don't try to change yourself OR your child's natural tendencies. If you
try, you'll just be banging your head against a stone wall.. and as we
all know.. that will just give you a head ache.
Now, all the next stuff is more for me than anyone else as I process what a Supine is and what I can do to bring more balance to myself and use my strengths (I more often tend to think I don't have many strengths with the Supine point of view of "I'm flawed everyone else is fine.)
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So I see a lot of myself in the Phlegmatic and somewhat in the Melancholy and
I even see bits of myself in the Sanguine in regards to wanting to do
more things which brought me into looking at the "fifth temperament" and
this blog post is my attempt to try to join all the great advice for
the homeschooling Mom into what I (as a Supine) need to work on. What
do I tend to struggle with and how can I become more balanced? The
Supine is by nature the most conflicted of all the types.
Expresses as an introvert but responds like an extrovert ...
experience deep affection but find it hard to initiate...
....want honesty in close relationships...
needs attention, but find it difficult to talk about...
The most loyal of all the types... easily hurt
needs constant reassurance, but find it embarrassing when paid a compliment
The part about needing reassurance is about needing to know that what the Supine does is valuable and that it means something. Being told that I am talented makes me nervous yet being told that something I made was really valued by someone is exactly what a Supine like me needs to hear. Another example-- I clean my house and seek organization not because *I* have this big thing about needing it this way. It's always about what I can do for other people-- is it meaningful for my family? Where is the balance of making sure the laundry is done for everyone's convenience and well being (for instance) and where do I find that balance of letting that go to BE with them and play with them.
Note: Supines can tend to take on too much and if you combine that with their inability to express their needs it can be a bad mix. A choleric might organize and strive for a better way of doing things out of a motivation for control. A melancholics motivation would more likely be for perfection as they see themselves and everyone else as flawed and in need of improvement. But the Supine is loyal and service oriented. While a Sanguine can more easily get the assurances that they crave because of the sheer amount of people they will want to live their lives with! This is really great... I sometimes totally wish I were a Sanguine because the Supine finds it so hard to initiate friendships and express what they need. The biggest fear of the Supine is being rejected which happens often if you try to initiate anything. The Sanguines seem to have it easier.
The phlegmatic and melancholy seem less needy than the supine. Because of the Supines need for people they can appear more needy or clingy than
the phlegmatic (for instance) and this can be off putting to many
people.The supine can be misunderstood because at one moment they seem independent, introverted, and a loner type and then later can seem quite outgoing and chatty. This might lead someone to wonder if the person WAS really shy or were they just being rude and mean and unfriendly to people they don't know. In reality the supine tends to be quite shy. Needing close friends yet fearing rejection, wanting to be of use yet sees the world in an "I'm flawed, everyone else is fine" point of view which can lead them to worry that they can't do any good. Longing to be invited in but constantly feeling like they will always be an outsider.
I could go on, but I won't. Learning this stuff has finally helped me understand myself well enough to express why I've felt the way I have at different points in my life. I feel like I keep TRYING to figure out who I am or what I need and so on, but never seem to make sense to anyone else. Note: that is another big thing with the Supine characteristic with feeling conflicted and unable to explain what they need or who they are.
First this website
"Temperament for dummies" was the most helpful and was actually MUCH more detailed than anything else I found. One quote from it is --the Supine is a "vulnerable type from needing people's acceptance, but not being able to
command it like the more outgoing types.(like the Sanguine) So this new temperament was
obscured all those centuries by
looking like a Melancholy, being
mistaken for a kind of Sanguine, and
eclipsed by the Phlegmatic in the Two-factor/four-type models."
Honestly, when I read websites or am told by people that they don't think the Supine is a valid 5th temperament and can just be made through combining the other ones it's a little hurtful. Which annoyingly is another evidence of the Supine in me (easily hurt) and something I feel like I'm always trying to overcome. The Supine finds it so difficult to express what they need and who they are and fears rejection and then is rejected as it's own temperament. Yeah, "ouch."
Right, so how does this apply to homeschooling and where I am right now?
I love what the Waldorf posts talked about and I thought they were really helpful, but I need to combine them and make up my own for my own temperament. So, here goes.
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The Supine might find it hard to make a long term plan for school. While they can find the where with-all to finish shorter term goals that they feel are valuable and are interested in, a full school year planned out with boxes to check will start to feel pointless to the Supine UNLESS the child loves it! If you have a child that loves school time then savor that! There will probably come a time when they aren't as happy to start school each day and complain about it. This resistance will be especially hard for the Supine because of their need to be validated. The spouse of a Supine or other friends and mentors can do wonders in this persons life if they know this need, but as we've said already the Supine will likely be unable to express their need for encouragement. Also, notice their encouragement can't come in the "you are doing a great job" form or "you are a great teacher" even, it needs to hit their deepest need in knowing that it's all worth it. Is it REALLY that great to homeschool? Is this method of teaching actually helping them more than this other method? Can you see the child growing in a good way with the new curriculum that was so carefully chosen?
They also need to be able to make a plan that is fluid enough for them to mold to the moment of learning. While it might be more difficult for the Supine to make a plan (like the phlegmatic and melancholy) it really does need a plan as they do, yet the Supine might find it even more difficult than the other temperaments to force a school time when the kids aren't into it. Spoon feeding facts into a child that will just spit it back out has no value to the supine and will become discouraged and lose confidence if they can't find another way to school their child that fits that particular child's needs. If a Supine has read all about Classical education and sees how valuable that is, yet has a strongly right brained child that needs a completely different approach to schooling they will likely feel like a failure and at a complete loss as to what to do for their child. A Choleric or Phlegmatic might be able to stick to their guns with the program they chose even if the child is struggling with it and in tears over math (or whatever.) This isn't necessarily a bad thing, they can learn to bend a little to help the child learn at their own speed, but the Melancholy and the Supine will likely be too distressed to continue schooling their child in a way that doesn't seem to "work" for them. The Sanguine will generally flit from one curriculum to another anyway depending on which one looks like the most fun or interesting and I personally don't think that's necessarily a bad thing either if it works for you! The main thing is that you are doing stuff with your kids right? The only problem with the flitting from one thing to another, is the money that can be wasted and inconsistency in the older-ish grades that might do better to start with one set of books and continue with them.
The Supine will tend to do too much in general to the good of the family and needs to work more on delegating little chores and let the children work independently when they can and might be likely to waste money on several different programs as the Sanguine would, but for an entirely different reason. While the Sanguine is looking for something easier or "fun"and everything on the other side of the fence seems greener, the Supine naturally has a hard time making a final decision and while they can research like crazy to find those books from many different sources and styles of homeschooling to create a tailored package for each of their children they will get all the way to that final decision of buying the things and have a REALLY hard time making that choice on their own.
If you are a Supine, try to avoid too many voices pointing you to all the great stuff out there. Have specific mentors or advisers that hopefully speak into your life with reassurance of what you already know you should be doing. Voices that question the choice you made after all the time you've put into narrowing them down (up to that final moment of buying the things) and have an attitude of "do you really need this stuff" or even "This other thing is so much better!" aren't going to be helpful for you. Like the melancholy, the Supine lacks some courage, but in many ways will appear (often) like they've got it all together and know exactly what they need to do! They can be chatty and excited about the choices they are making. And often what they talk about in regards to homeschooling and curriculum choices is what they have found fit their child's learning style and natural interests and the "superior method." While a choleric might sound similarly sure of their choices the main difference between these temperaments is that while the Supine speaks assuredly about what they are choosing to do for their child is best for that child they don't believe that they know what is best. A choleric is more naturally about control and "my way is best" remember? But the Supines goal is to serve and depending on the children they have, they might try to do some gumby moves to transform themselves into just what that child needs them to be. This can be too exhausting though and the Supine, while finding it difficult to make order (like a Sanguine), really needs to work on developing habits and a rhythm to home life and schooling so that they have time to rest and do projects that recharge them. Supines are equally task and people oriented so a full day of doing for others and being with others isn't going to recharge the Supine. Remember they are introverted and need to do something independently from the needs of others to recharge. Some project that is just for you or something YOU enjoy is the best place to feel rejuvenated.
Unlike some other temperaments it's going to be pretty hard if not impossible for the supine to find rest if it's at the expense of another member of the family. Find some way to take care of the other people (as in, higher a baby sitter or someone to clean your house once a month or SOMETHING) to get the rest and recharging that you need. The supine needs to make sure that they don't burn themselves out before the next holiday! They will find it really hard to get going again once they stop, but if they can see an end in sight and are enjoying (at least in a small way) what they are teaching their kids, then it will be easier for them to continue on without looking at it as drudgery. Remember that it's just that first bit of starting that will be difficult for you and it will feel easier once you get some momentum over that hump. The Supine especially needs to see value and enjoy what they are teaching it's key because as the mama we set the tone for the home and the tone for how our children view learning and school and life.
We can too easily get drawn into friendship or social dramas that a less people/service temperament would feel less obligated to try to "fix" and it can cause us to go into a more melancholy state of being- too internal and the Supine might find themselves being less present with their children even if they are with them all the time. Work at being present with your children and initiating affection with them if you find that difficult. I've noticed that it's been harder for me to express my love for my children as they've grown older and grown more independent and naturally less cuddly with me. I've made it a point to tell them I love them more often and hug them or show them the affection they need (depending on their temperament!) rather than leaving them alone because they haven't expressed that need to me. Remember that the Supine has a hard time initiating affection. My natural tendency would not be to pursue them when they rejected me in some way, but I need to keep pursuing their hearts even when they push me away. I can be the "tough mom" when I need to be almost equally as easy as I can be the "tender mom" who pursues them and sticks with them when they are going through a rough time (neither of these feel "easy" for me though.) My natural state as a Supine would be to back off, but that rarely gives my kids what they need.
The natural tendency of a Supine will be subtle manipulation by how they respond or don't respond in the way they avoid (out of fear of rejection) or on the other spectrum by serving overly much until burn out, harboring anger (for being used.) They have a need to look humble and might feel like spending more money on furniture or other items that are "fun" and not needed to be almost embarrassing. I didn't realize this was part of my temperament, but now I understand why it bothered me when we first got our flat screen TV. It just seemed like "too much" and it wasn't because of what we spent on it (it was used and we got it for half the price it would have been new), but it still seemed like "too much" to me. I see now that living on less and talking about such and such being a thrift store item that I refurbished was because having nice things felt embarrassing to me with my natural need to "look humble." I had no idea I was dealing with this, but it's good to know because now that we have a little more income it's been hard for me to accept having more and being okay with getting the trash can that was $5 more because I liked it better. Before I had to choose the cheapest of everything and didn't realize how I almost held onto that as part of my identity. Making the most on as little as possible was a skill I'd developed for many years.
Speaking of the tendency to do to much-- one website said that a Supine was a natural victim so it's important that you see that (if you are a supine) so that you can avoid toxic relationships. The mysteries where "the butler did it" are a good example of a Supine who was loyal and worked forever but was never noticed or appreciated. I hate to break it to you all who might be Supine like myself, but it's highly unlikely that we will get enough appreciation from anyone, let alone enough from our children. I personally never appreciated my own Mom (I was homeschooled all growing up) as much as she deserved and even though I appreciate her SO much more now that I'm a mom and homeschooling I'm sure I still don't express my appreciation enough out loud. Be aware that you'll probably never get enough appreciation and you'll easily get your feelings hurt, but moving into a more balanced place in your temperament is the goal. Be aware about what voices are coming in to you. If there is a drama point that you should avoid, then learn to avoid it! Your family comes first and even if you see a friend in need and you *could* fill that need you've got to evaluate if you really should be the one to do it. Can you help them while still meeting the needs of your family? If your family suffers when you are serving someone or some organization then you've got to learn to step back. You've got to learn to say "no" and that even means in your own family. You will want to do that project with your oldest child when they ask for help, but you'll start to feel panicked because the littlest one is needing a nap and teething and you don't know how to make everyone happy. A routine is going to be a lifesaver for you, but you'll fight against the routine because you don't want to implement it like a choleric might and turn into a drill Sargent to get everyone to stick to the schedule. No, you like comfort and going with the flow and with what everyone feels like doing and where their inspiration takes them. You want to flit about and do whatever you see needs done and have fun along the way, but you can't do it all and you've got to realize that a routine doesn't have to be ridged. It can flow like a tide rolling in and out. An older child can learn to wait longer and be more independent. Teach older children how to safely use adult tools if they wish to. And teach them to clean up after themselves! The trouble of course is that it takes work to teach these things, but remind yourself how valuable these skills are. Academics is only one part of learning. My seven year old now knows how to use a little glue gun and has been so happy and independent creating her own projects with cardboard! Real life skills are just as valuable as academic skills and as a Supine you need to remind yourself that your goal is to teach them independence.
Now, to sum all this up.
Supines will find it hard to make a final decision
Supines don't want to be the boss
Supines need the right encouragement
Work at building a support system and take baby steps in decision making and learn to stick to what you know you need to do. Be aware that you can be swayed and remind yourself to bring your focus back to your kids and what you know you need to do.
Supines are equally task and people oriented
Supines are introverted yet express themselves as an extrovert when they feel comfortable
Be aware that you thrive on service yet remind yourself to step back and get the renewing time away from people that you need. Focus on them, then focus on your own thing, and repeat.
Be aware that when you are feeling lonely or isolated you might start to need people in an unhealthy way. While it's great to be encouraged and have good friends as Christians we need to remember how God sees us. HE appreciates us even when no one else says anything. A homemakers job is hard because it's full of all the jobs no one else wants to do. The cleaning up spills and throw-up and washing soiled sheets and so on is not a vocation that will gain much admiration. I listened to a sermon recently that helped
"I am Appreciated"
It might be hard for a Supine to make a plan
or it might be hard for a Supine to implement a plan
Likely the Supine will feel both of this at the same time plus feeling overwhelmed/stress/or discouraged
If you can get excited about what you will teach your kids or what method you will be using. If you can talk to people who are excited about homeschooling then this will help you gain momentum to find the natural determination to work through the plan and make it happen.
Getting derailed from being diligent will happen for the Supine though because it is such a conflicted temperament. Likely your feelings will get hurt or you'll burn yourself out doing too much or get caught up in drama and turn inward like a melancholic for a while.
Because of the conflicted nature of this temperament and its inability to explain what it needs you've got to learn to take schooling and parenting and life one bite at a time. Plan a month of school and then let yourself have a week off to do whatever you want and build up the momentum and excitement you need to push through another bit of time.
You CAN do it.
You know you aren't enough, but God's strength is made perfect in our weakness.
He understands what you need even if you can't express it.
Knowing you aren't enough is the best place to be.
Moving forward and serving our family even when we feel lonely and undervalued is how we can live our Christian life of worship. Jesus appreciates us.
What we do is valuable-- from moving furniture around to make our homes more efficient or beautiful or practical to cleaning raisins off the floor again to playing board games with our kids -- it's valuable. It's worth it. None of it is perfect, but go with what YOU want to do and it will be better than bowing to someone else's opinion.
Now make that final decision of whatever it is you are holding onto and don't look back.
To quote C.S. Lewis' "Horse and His Boy" (This probably won't make sense to some of you, but I'll quote it anyway because I think it's inspiring.) --- "Onward and upward! To Narnia and the North!"
Then we get up and keep going because that is what this commitment to being at home is all about.