dealing with change

 This is one of the books that I bought this year to use with the girls.  I've only read a few to them so far, but yesterday I decided to look for one that I needed.  And here it is--

Stream, Desert, Wind

A stream was born high on a mountain.  It rushed around stones, over waterfalls, across fields, and through forests and valleys.  finally it reached a great desert and pushed its water against the sand.  Then the water disappeared.  The stream, that was feeling so confident with its life up to this point, could not believe what was happening.  'My water is disappearing - how can I cross this desert?'
Then the stream heard a whispering.  It seemed to be coming from the sand itself, 'Ask the wind - it knows a way to cross the desert.'
The Wind can fly,' thought the stream.  'All I can do is disappear into the sand.  I can't cross this desert.'
'Allow the wind to carry you,' the voice whispered. 'But then I will have to change.  I don't want to change, I want to stay as I am.'
'If you continue to flow into the desert, you are changing - you are either going to disappear altogether or you will become a swamp.'
'But I want to stay myself,' said the stream. 'How can I get to the other side and still be myself?'
'If you remember your true self you will know this can never change,' whispered the voice.
The stream then remembered a long forgotten dream about being carried in the arms of the wind.  It let go of the earth below and allowed itself to rise up in a vapor.  The wind flew with it far across the desert, all the way to the mountains on the other side.  Finally it was released as soft rain high on the top of the mountain.
With this the stream was born anew.  It rushed around stones, over waterfalls, across fields, and through forests and valleys.  And as it rushed along, it had watery memories of its true and essential self.

Everyone gets to some sort of desert, right?  Often the hardest things to deal with are the every day drudgery things.  When something "big" happens, some difficulty that I have no choice but to trust God in and there seems to be an end to  it even though it's too hard it's easier with Him and the people that come around me  Easier than the every day troubles that never end.  Those things that people don't consider important because they aren't "big" and that I forget to trust God through.  The ones that never seem to end.  Living in TX is my desert.  The place where I have to learn to transcend and cross or I'll disappear into the sand or become a swamp.

Tomorrow I'm going to wean Grace.  My little baby that was born here, and it's partly hard because she doesn't want to wean and it's mostly hard because I don't really want to wean her, but I feel like I need to.  It's become a power struggle at times and she's still so clingy that I'm hoping some of that will start to get better after we go through the days of hell when she's not getting to nurse.  It's partly sad because she's probably my last baby.  I can't imagine going through what I did with her if we have another one here, plus my husband doesn't want more.  I'm reminded of when she was a baby and how much it hurt to not be near my family to experience her growing with me... no one to ooh over pictures and say "do you remember holding her when she was only this big?" No, no one here then to truly care, and we can never get that time back with her being a little baby.  It's gone and if it was missed it's missed for good, but continuing to nurse her won't keep her a baby (at least not in the right way) so I decided while my husband is on a business trip I'd bite the bullet and make it happen, and I'm crying.  Crying for the lonely baby-hood that was and for a future baby that probably won't exist, for living in this crowded noisy city that assaults all of my senses with overwhelming.

So, the desert.  How do I change and yet remember who I am?  It's so hard to keep our lives simple and quiet.  The values of the rat race around us are so foreign to everything I love.  I feel the pressure even from my husband to give up what's left of my dreams.  "Homeschooling too hard?  We can always put them in a public school."  How do I fight for what I want our family to be?  How do I keep from sinking into the desert?  I long for a quieter place and simpler joys.  The more we seem to get in a material sense the less I feel like we have.

How do we fly with the wind over the desert?  I'm in the process of reading "One Thousand Gifts" and I feel like I'm being reminded of something I already know, though I would have expressed it differently.  Being thankful for what we have and keeping track of that.  Praising God through anything.  Learning to be content in all circumstances.  The next few days I will be singing Laura Story's "Blessings" song while the 2 year old cries and doesn't sleep and the older two watch too much TV and don't get Mommy time.


"Blessings"

We pray for blessings, we pray for peace
Comfort for family, protection while we sleep
We pray for healing, for prosperity
We pray for Your mighty hand to ease our suffering
And all the while, You hear each spoken need
Yet love us way too much to give us lesser things

'Cause what if your blessings come through rain drops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You're near
What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

We pray for wisdom, Your voice to hear
We cry in anger when we cannot feel You near
We doubt your goodness, we doubt your love
As if every promise from Your word is not enough
And all the while, You hear each desperate plea
And long that we'd have faith to believe

'Cause what if your blessings come through rain drops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You're near
What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

When friends betray us
When darkness seems to win
We know that pain reminds this heart
That this is not,
This is not our home
It's not our home

'Cause what if your blessings come through rain drops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You're near

What if my greatest disappointments or the aching of this life
Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can't satisfy
What if trials of this life
The rain, the storms, the hardest nights
Are your mercies in disguise 

Don't forget the middle child

 If you've been reading previous posts you will have seen how I created a art space/table for my oldest (7.5) and then my littlest (2.5) but a few days after the littlest one had her area and was enjoying it so much I noticed a change in my middle child.  She seemed irritable and more sensitive than usual (which I suppose is pretty amazing in itself!)  But as I thought about it more and observed her and began to think about what she needed.  I asked her that night about if she would like her own area.  I described a little bit about how it might look.   She already had a craft area and didn't seem to need that and she did like to play in her room.  No, THIS kid needed an "Imagination house" -- and that's what she calls it!

She loves to dress up and unlike her older sister (who is more interested in comfortable clothes) will be worried if she thinks her clothes don't "match" or will look "stupid" and definitely has an opinion about her fashion sense.

SO, I stayed up late one night and created this space for her underneath the built in shelves in our little apartment.  The frame of the "imagination house" was from a play house the girls have (back from when the oldest was 2) and I just unzipped the walls and stored that and laid curtains over it and pinned them together.  "Bob the beanbag" chair got a make-over and became ruffly rainbowy.

One of the first things she wanted to do after getting her house was to write a book!   She's so like her daddy in this way.  :]   First she drew all the pictures and then dictated the whole thing to me so I could write it down (and YES it had a great story arc!  There was a problem and then a climax and a rescue and a happy ending.  It was simple but really great to see it ALL come from her!)  I know Waldorf doesn't teach kids to read till they are 7, but this kid really does NOT want to wait that long.  I think some of her frustrations will be relieved when she learns to read this coming year.  She already knows all the letter sounds and creates her own spelling to words... and.. frankly, when I read a LOT of different posts about readiness she seemed to fit all of that.  Her older sister didn't, but this one.. yes.  I don't think I'd want to start the 1st grade stories  this year and all that with her if I was doing the full Waldorf stuff, but learning to read along with her older sister will be just right I think.

Notice the "water fall" on the right?  It's just some draped fabric safety-pinned in place.

At first she had a few more toys and things in it, but then decided it was too "cluttery for her imagination" so took many of the stuffed toys out and back into their bedroom.  It doesn't have that green pillow in it anymore either.  The yellow curtain looks like it was made for this, but it was actually just left over from a set of two.  I only needed one for my room, but needed it longer so used the second to add length to the first and I am SO glad this leftover one fit so well!

The little round table used to be black to match my other furniture, but for her "Imagination house" I painted it blue and pink.  She squealed when she saw it in the morning after I painted it and set up her house (that was a late night, but worth it!)

Looking through the top.  This fabric was just a leftover curtain that I wasn't using.

She has just enough supplies for her table and a little box for some treasures (a favorite shell and rock are on the table.)  The final piece to this special area is a couple little felt boards that I let her pick to add to her imagination and story telling abilities.   Two dolls with clothes to mix and match and one cute chubby panda felt also with clothes were her choices for felt pieces.  I'm hoping it will be a fun way for her to spend her time in there before she can read and turn it into a real "reading nook."  :]

It was wonderful the first day especially to see her so excited and inviting her sisters into her space and playing so well with the other two.  I think they all just needed their own space that they could "own" and go to and be responsible for. 

We live in a small town-home apartment (1,040 sq ft.. which feels smaller considering that we only use the upstairs to sleep in and do most of the living downstairs.) but creating a space for each girl has made such a difference in their attitudes and moods!

creating spaces

For a while now, I've been noticing that the 2.5 year old was seeming frustrated.  She isn't old enough to tell me what she needs, but as I was reading more articles about Waldorf and playing and so on I was beginning to wonder if she might like a little pretend kitchen.  She likes to be in the kitchen with me doing stuff so maybe she'd appreciate her own space?  Well, I'd given a play stove to a friend a few years ago that the older girls never played with and asked if we could borrow it back just to see if Grace would enjoy it before buying her own.

She LOVES it!  The first night she wouldn't stop playing with it to go to sleep and then kept asking about it (You can play with your kitchen in the morning.)  She pretended to put ingredients in over and over and made meals for her baby dolls (which she always liked before, but didn't really know how to play with.)  Best part is that she has her own area.  If the older girls try to move in on her space and play with her stuff she knows that she can ask them to leave (they can tend to play differently than she wants to play with it.  The oldest would rather slide the baby dolls all over the floor than pretend to feed them.)

I had fun going to the dollar store for some things that would work in her kitchen.  This little thing of candy is fun for her to open, but I put hot glue inside of it so that it will still rattle, but NOT come out! 

Notice the little condiments on the shelf?  I cut out the top of a salt container because she always liked to open and close it for me when I was cooking.  Now it's the right size for a little glass jar that I had.  I filled a little bag with salt and then glued it into the bottom of the jar (so it wouldn't fall out, but still had a salty sound when you shake it) Then hot glued the top on that I'd already cut to the right shape.  She said it was sugar so I labeled it accordingly (it sometimes is salt and sometimes is sugar depending on what she's pretending to make.)

And here she is with her big sister!  The 5.5 and 2.5 year olds like to play in the kitchen the most with the little one being the official cook.  She really likes it when I play with her the most though because I'll play however she wants to and the other kids try to make up other games that throws off her pretending.  Oh, notice the little trash can to the right of the stove?  Another little dollar store purchase that is GREAT for pretending and keeps her kitchen all tidy.  After we "squeeze the lemons" to make juice we can throw them away in the pretend garbage and get them out later.

Once I make sure we have enough savings to get her her own stove I'm planning on buying the Melissa and Doug one that is wooden and pretty affordable as stoves go.  I think the wood one will last longer and be sturdier.  She is actually very careful with the plastic one though!  There's a trick to closing the door and when you bump it things will fall over, but she just puts everything back with a "whoops" while the other two got frustrated with things falling and having to be careful with this one (back when they had it.)  It is SO nice to see my little girl playing and imagining.  I'm thinking she's ready to have her baby toys be passed on to someone else.  Next post is about how the middle one gets her own space.

Being brave and the temperature of milk

 So after reading some Waldorf inspired articles and it talking about "developing a will" (whatever that means right?) I sort of took what I'd learned about my personality and took the meaning to be that I need to work on being brave.  I don't naturally like doing new things and things that make me feel uncomfortable, but when I was looking back at a scrapbook last week and saw one of my birthday layouts it was about how I was learning something new for my birthday.  In that case I'd learned how to make my own bagels (this was before being gluten free) and I'd always wanted to learn how to make them and I finally got up the nerve to do it.  Well, looking back I have the feeling like "It's not a big deal to make bagels" but of course I feel that way NOW because I've already made them several times.  So, last week I worked up the nerve to talk to some strangers and get sort of involved in a homeschooling group.  Just the park days for now, but still.. it's a start.

There were several other things that I'd been thinking about doing and wanting to do, but being afraid to try and making yogurt was one of them.  I got a yogurt maker and everything, but it took me a few weeks to open the box and really read about it and figure out how to do it myself.  Even after I started the process I kept calling my Mom to ask questions (she's made it a lot.)

Turns out that it's a fifth of the price of the store bought plain yogurt and it's really easy to make!  I won't get into how to make it here as other blogs will tell you all about that, but basically you heat the milk to 180 and then cool it back down and then throw some yogurt into it, stir it and put it in the machine for several hours to turn into yogurt.  The heating it up is what breaks down the protein in the milk or something like that so it can turn into yogurt.  I'm sure there can be some spiritual significance/analogy thing that could be drawn from that, but I don't feel like trying to make that happen.

I get to use a spiffy little thermometer for the process and only have trouble when I forget that it's cooling off.

Today I did another brave thing (for me) and took the next step in the process which is to turn the yogurt into cream cheese!  The hubby was super impressed with this cheese and especially enjoyed eating it on his cookie stash after I'd basically turned it into cheese cake filling with sweeteners and flavor.  :)

With the first batch of yogurt I turned it right into posicles sweetened with stevia.  My girls always love this and it makes a good easy snack during the day.  I think I'd like to blend it with some banana for an even better flavor next time.

It's all about the interruptions

 I've got some little helpers when I make lemonade.  Both the middle and youngest are wanting to help squeeze the lemons now.

 Between making food with "help" and breaking up fights or snuggling the baby the dishes usually look about like this.  My perfectionistic husband rarely admits that the messes in the house bother him, but I sense his stress when he's home and I've just got to keep reminding myself that the kids and school and teachable moments are more important than keeping up with the cleaning right now.

 We've been having a lot of sweet moments in the mornings over breakfast and our tea parties.  The littlest is always so excited to pour her own tea with her own tea pot.  Notice her "tea towel" place mat?  One Saturday the P. Hubby stressed out a bit over her pouring the tea back from her tea cup to her tea pot.  Now, if you happen to be dealing with a little perfectionism yourself or struggle with helping the 2 year old (or older) too much, let me remind you to take a step back.  Are they throwing anything?  Spilling on purpose? Observe before you react.  I personally have to remind myself to have some patience when I'm in a hurry, but these nice tea times have been a good start to our days in a slower more purposeful manner than what we had before.  The girls don't drink all the tea, but I get to keep filling up my travel cup and enjoy the chai all day long!  Making the tea bag stretch.

 Speaking of interruptions we had a lovely one last week.  The weather had actually cooled enough that the girls could play outside our apartment in the afternoon.  They sat out on the sidewalk outside my kitchen window to chalk while I started dishes.  The cool turned to a storm though and they had fun with their umbrellas outside!  The thunder was too loud for the littlest though so she watched from inside and plugged her ears when the thunder boomed.  I never used to like rain much but here it's such a welcome relief from the continual heat and having to stay inside!  After the rain stopped I took them outside to splash in puddles!  Did the dishes get done?  Eventually.  :)

 This morning my oldest decided to do some patternables on the stove with her little sister.  Sweet little teaching moment they had all on their own while I made our breakfast.

 The other side of the younger two's fold out craft table!  It has wheels so we can just roll it around when they want to chalk on the chalk board.

Someone keeps closing the piano, but I really like to leave it open!  I want the girls to sit and plink on it whenever they feel like it.  -- fostering creativity and spontaneity.  :}

So I've been contemplating how to set up a visual type "schedule" rhythm sort of chart for our days.  Partly for me, but mostly for my oldest who always wants to know what we are doing next and even for the P. Hubby for when he's home on the weekends to (hopefully) keep his stress level down.
But the problem is that whenever I try to pin down what we actually do each day I feel overwhelmed by how much it is. Yet when we are in the days it usually doesn't feel like too much.  Only when I have a list and am *trying* to get a certain thing done does it feel frustrating with all the "interruptions."  I keep thinking about how Jesus acted in regards to interruptions.  The children that were brought to him that the disciples tried to keep away and Jesus wanted them to come.  He welcomed the interruptions because people are more important than projects.  When the woman with the flow of blood for years and years touched the hem of his robe he stopped right then to talk to her.  She was more important than rushing off to the next thing.  Also note how Jesus would go off by himself to pray and recharge from the crowds?  That's important to remember too.

These days it takes a lot longer to do things than it did at one point, but that's okay.  The things that are really important will get done, but that moment when the baby wants a hug and snuggle or the 5 year old wants to show you her latest art or the 7 year old asks you a question starting with a long drawn out "Mommy?  Weeeeellllll..........."  -- those are the moments that are important.

Maybe we shouldn't call those moments "Interruptions"  -- Maybe we should start calling the cleaning and the dishes and the food making and all the other urgent tasks that us stay at home Moms have to do the real interruptions.